My Dog Can Do Magic

I had my sister over on the weekend with my nieces. We decided to have a BBQ.

S thought it would be nice to do some magic tricks for them. (No he’s not a magician, just a 26 year old with a green silk hankie and the equipment to do the ‘ dissapering silk trick’ – I wont wreck it all for you by telling you how its done)

Anyway ………….. All was going fine. Miss 4 and Miss 2 were having a wonderful time. They were amazed when it would disappear and even more amazed when it would reappear in funny places like from behind their ears and so on.

All was going fine till he decided it would be funny if it reappear from Frankie’s bottom (out dog).

That part of the trick worked fine. BUT Frankie was obviously really pissed off that he would use her bottom for the trick without her permission.

She waited quietly beside S till the right opportunity came along and S dropped the silk!!!!

Within seconds she picked up the silk in her mouth and ran like she’s never run before. With S, Miss 4, Miss 2,my sister and myself all on the chase Frankie swallowed the silk!

Now while S was very jacked about losing his silk. The only silk he has to do his magic trick, I was far more worried that Frankie was going to die!

Her obituary would read ‘ choked on silk hanky’ (now that’s worse than choked on ham sandwich don’t you think??)

I called the vet who told me all would be fine and to get her some bran if I was REALLY worried. That I did.

Well yesterday Frankie did her own magic trick.

Only she really did make the hankie appear out of her bottom!!!!!

Will This Make Me Feel A Little Bit Better?

Well it’s the middle of the night (and then some) and I just can’t sleep.

I talked with a solicitor today and we are now deciding if we will take some kind of legal action against the hospital that delivered Zak.

What to do, what to do!

And to think some silly person said you just got pregnant, had a baby and lived happily ever after! What drugs were they on???

So Why Do You Want A Baby?

Ok ……. I’m probably going to really upset some with this post.

I was going to keep my thoughts to myself. But I have been thinking about this all night. Getting more and more pissed off as the hours go by.

Yesterday I was searching different blog’s when I cam across some ‘ right for life’ blog’s.

These blog’s got me so worked up it wasn’t funny. I always ‘thought’ I sat closer to the ‘ right for life’ side of the fence. Not 100% over there though. While I myself would like to think I would never have a abortion (and I have always thought like this – way before I ever knew we would need IVF) I am still a big believer that it should not be against the law. We don’t want to go back to the days where women put their life in danger by having ‘ back yard’ abortions.  Making it against the law won’t stop it happening.

Since needing to do IVF though I have come to realise that EVERYONES situation is different. And until you walk in someone’s shoes you should never judge.

I mean, I would like to think I wouldn’t have a abortion but I have not been in a situation where I have ever had to consider one.

And might I just add that my opinion on abortions (for me) has nothing at all to do with ‘ the embryo is a baby’ argument. That doesn’t come into my reasoning at all. I’m just a person who doesn’t deal with guilt very well and ‘I think’ it would be something that I would have major problems with for the rest of my life.

Anyway, getting back to why I was really pissed off when reading these blog’s.

It seems that the ‘right for life’ lot not only don’t like you taking life but they are also against making life!!! (can you really have it both ways??)

They seem to be VERY against IVF. The whole designer babies thing upsets them greatly.

Now I’m also not a fan of designer babies. I don’t personally believe in sex selection (other than for medical reasons), I don’t think you need to pick eye colour or hair colour. (shit as long as you have a healthy baby who cares).

The problem I found was the ‘ right for life’ lot don’t like IVF at all.

You see it seems that if you do IVF you should have to explain ‘ why you want a baby’. And wanting to have a baby because you have a burning desire to have children and make a family is not a good enough reason. Its a selfish reason.

Well I want to know why having a baby because you ‘ want’ a baby is ok if you can fall pregnant the old fashion way but not if you need IVF.

Is it ok to be selfish if you don’t need IVF? And while we are on the subject, why do people who need IVF need to have a reason for wanting a baby? No one asks a couple who can conceive naturally why they want a baby. But it seems to be a question asked to IVF couples all the time.

Yes I agree having a baby (anyone – IVF or naturally) is in many ways a selfish act. We have babies because ‘we’ want them, ‘we’ want a family, ‘we’ want to feel more compleat. Hell if we all wanted to be completely unselfish we would all adopt babies who need good homes. Babies and children who have nothing. Not bring new life into this sometimes harsh and depressing world.

But thats not life. (though I do think people who adopt are amazing and wonderful people)

I just don’t believe a couple who can have a baby without assistance has anymore right to be selfish, fill their own needs for a family anymore than a couple who need a little help!

The Golden Egg

THE STORY OF ‘THE GOLDEN EGG’

We have always been very open about us having to do IVF.

All of our family and friends know. Even my nieces know we need help to have a baby.

When we first got pregnant my 4 year old niece said to us, ‘you have a golden egg in your belly’. We don’t know where this came from. Although we had discussed the Dr’s helping us we had never gone into the whole ‘egg and sperm’ thing with her.

Miss 4 continued to talk about ‘The Golden Egg’ and we never thought to correct her and explain it was an embryo. Why would we?? She didn’t know what an egg was.

As my pregnancy went on Miss 4 would talk all the time about ‘The Golden Egg’. She had thoughts on the sex of the baby. And always asked when it would be coming out.

Our whole family talked about our baby. But always referred to it as ‘The Golden Egg’. It just caught on.

When I gave birth to Zak my parents (as well as S’s parents) were on a holiday in Europe. (Not all together)

When they realised things were turning to shit and fast, they all decided they would do the mad dash home.

My parents had to stop over in Singapore for 4 hours. (I’m sure a VERY long 4 hours to them)

My Dad went for a wonder and came across this funny little shop in the airport. And you will never believe what they sold!!! ‘THE GOLDEN EGG’!!

He rushed to get Mum. He told her it had to be a sign and that he just HAD to buy it.

Mum was worried it would upset us. Dad on the other hand (who is in no way a believer in ‘those kind of things’) was determined to buy it.

So after a few hours of looking at it, talking to the shop assistant about it, and making sure they got one with the right meaning, my Dad decided he just had to buy it.

He picked the one that meant ‘HOPE FOR THE FEAUTURE’.

They gave S and I ‘The Golden Egg’ a few days after Zak’s funeral. They were both so worried that it would upset S and I. But we thought it was just beautiful.

Dad worked out a few weeks later that Zak passed away within minutes of Dad buying our ‘Golden Egg’. And I think that really upset him.

Miss 4 on the other hand walked into our house one day. Soon after we got ‘The Golden Egg’. She took one look at it and was SO shocked. She just stared at it. And then very excitedly she said ‘see I told you baby Zak had a Golden Egg with him. He left it with you when he went up to the sky’

 

 

For The Dads

A MAN IN GRIEF

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since ‘men don’t cry’ and ‘men are strong’

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test,

And field calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she’s alright

And what’s she’s going through,

But seldom take his hand and ask,

‘My friend, but how are you?’

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But ‘stays strong’ for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew.

And try and be so very brave—

He lost his baby too.

(Eileen Knight Hagemeister)

 

People Can Be So Stupid

TOP TEN STUPID THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME!!

10 – Maybe you should give up the idea of having a baby.

09 – It was meant to be, it happened for a reason.

08 – Your lucky he didn’t live, it could have been so much worse.

07 – You will get over it soon.

06 – You still seem a little upset about losing him.

05 – You just need to get on with your life now.

04 – Have another baby. That will help you forget.

03 – Don’t dwell on it.

02 – Lots of people have miscarriages

AND NOW COMING IN AT NUMBER ONE – THE MOST REDICULOUS THING SAID TO ME WAS ……… WAIT FOR IT ………

01 – We know how you feel, we had to put our dog down the other day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad Dreams

I have been having the most horrible dreams.
And I don’t know how to make them stop.

Soon after we lost Zak I would have dreams I was still pregnant. When I would wake up I would be lying there and it would take me a few minutes to remember I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was really horrible.

I’m also a very twitchy person. I seem to have twitches ALL the time. So when I get them in my stomach it’s really unnerving. It’s like having a baby more around in there and so sad knowing it’s just a twitch. I know it sounds stupid.

Anyway the dreams stopped and all was ok. But lately I have been having bad dreams again. And I had one last night that made me want to be sick.
I dreamed that I was 24 weeks pregnant. And I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.
She didn’t live long and I was so desperate to get lots of photos of her before she died.
I woke up feeling just terrible.

It made me realise I will never enjoy being pregnant again. Even if I am that lucky to have another baby it will be nine months of hell. And that makes me so sad.
Everyone should be able to enjoy their pregnancy. Those who have done IVF will understand how hard it is to get pregnant and it just seems unfair that once it does happen we can’t enjoy the whole experience.

I know, you probably all think I’m selfish because at least I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have had the experience. But that doesn’t stop you desperately wanting it all over again just like every other ‘Jo’.

All I know now is that I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to sleep because I’m scared I will have more horrible dreams. Coffee will once again become my best friend!

My Birth Story – Zak Joins The World

Well I thought I would write my birth story to give you all a little bit more of an idea how Zak came into the world.

 

On Sunday 14 Th May (06) I called the nurses at PP Hospital and told them I had not felt movement for 2 days. This was actually a fib as I had felt him on the Sat but I just didn’t feel things were right and I didn’t want them sending me home and saying I was just being paranoid.
They told me to go to the nearest hospital and get it checked out. We went to LB Hospital where I was monitored. Heartbeat was great, all looked good. They could tell that Zak was moving a little (I just couldn’t feel him) but after about 10 min I started having contractions. (4 min apart).

Things still seemed ok. I was given steroids and some drugs to help stop the contractions (that I had obviously caught there!).
I was sent for a big scan …… things still were ok. He was measuring at 35 weeks instead of 32 weeks so he was nice and fat.
The movement was not huge and a few things just didn’t add up so the Dr’s thought it best that we go to a hospital that delivered before 34 weeks.
Their suggestion was to get him out. LB Hospital called MM and RW. Both refused to take me due to lack of beds. Gold Coast had a bed for me but not for Zak. (They were going to chopper me …….. happy about that! NOT)
So it was then decided that I would have to go to

Sydney. I asked that they call PP Hospital. I knew they wouldn’t deliver him but wanted my Ob to know what was going on. PP was told if they didn’t take me I was off to Sydney. The
Ob on call said to send me right there. Arrived at PP on the GC around 10 pm. Was monitored for a few hours and it was decided that Zak definitely needed to come out but they didn’t think they had the right amount of care for him so they had words with GC Hospital and we were moved there soon after midnight.

Arrived at GC Hospital and was once again monitored. The Dr I had then thought maybe if he could stop the contractions all would be ok. THANKGOD HE DIDNT. If he had sent us home things would have been so much worse.
Monday I got to see an Ob from GC Hospital who took me for another scan. Things still didn’t add up. Everything was good in the scan but movement was limited.
We were asked if we wanted to wait a few weeks to get him out but risk there not being a heartbeat or get him out and deal with the fact he was premi.
We wanted our boy out. We needed to see what was wrong with him so we could fix him. I was sent for a c section at lunchtime. Zak was very breech. The c section went well. There was a premi team waiting to take him but as soon as the bag was cut it was apparent that he had been swallowing meconium (sp) and that he had lots in his lungs. He was handed to the premi team.
Within seconds about 5 more emergency premi team members ran in as they tried to bag him to get him oxygen.
We asked the Ob if he was a boy or girl as we had not seen or been told.
Our Ob had passed him over to the premi team so fast he also didn’t know. Zak was rushed to NICU. I was stitched. S was with me as they didn’t want him to go with Zak till he was stable.
I was moved to recovery where S stayed with me until he could be with Zak.

Zak was on 100% oxygen. They dropped him to 90% but he didn’t cope well at all. He had a lot of blood in his lungs that needed to be sucked out.
It was soon decided that he needed a better oxygen machine and MM Hospital said they would take him. I was taken down to see him. I couldn’t see much as I was still in a bed but S had taken loads of photos for me.
Zak was moved to MM Hospital and I followed a few hours later.
He did much better on the high frequency ventilator.
He was put into ICU for Babies. The machine pumped at 600 breaths per minute so his little chest was going very fast.
Overnight they got him down to 40% oxygen so his little lungs were doing really well.
They got the blood out and most of the meconium. He had a very strong heart rate and things were looking much better. On Tuesday morning they discovered he was having little seizures and was then monitored for that. (He was heavily sedated so you couldn’t see him having the seizures other than on the brain scan machine). A few different drugs were tried to stop the seizures but none of them worked. All the time his lungs were getting much better though.

7 pm Tuesday a drug was found that stopped all his seizure activity. They wanted to do a MRI scan but needed to wait 5 – 7 days to get a correct result so they decided to do a u/s of his head but told us his little brain would be a little to swollen still to get any real answers.
He was very close to be taken of the oxygen so things were looking really good. Wed u/s was done. The Dr’s were shocked to find massive bleeding into his brain on both sides. They told us it was very severe but also very unusual this far along in a pregnancy. More likely to be found in a little baby under 25 weeks gestation.
We were informed that he would have an 80% change of being VERY VERY severely handicapped. Unable to breath, swallow, walk or do anything for himself other than to lie there. And a 20% chance of being VERY severely handicapped.
We were asked what kind of life we wanted for out precious little man.
S and I decided that it was unfair to make him live like that with no quality of life.
We asked how long we had to make the decision to turn the respirator off and were told if we didn’t turn it off NOW he would be breathing in the morning by himself and would have to live severely handicapped.

It was the hardest decision to make as he looked so perfect. Other than the tubes he looked healthy, big and not at all sick. He was 5 pound10 (2555 grams) and surrounded by babies who were 700 and 900 grams so he looked wonderful compared to others there.

Wed at around 4pm we had a naming service and at 5 pm we turned the respirator off.
We were taken into a private room to spend time with him without all the tubes. He was a little fighter and lived for 7 hours without the respirator. We requested morphine for him to make sure he was in no pain and he lived on until just after midnight.
He passed away peacefully at 12.05 Thurs morning in my arms.
We got to bath him and dress him and spend lots of time with him. Both S’s and my parents were in Europe but on their way home. They all arrived at the hospital very early Thurs morning. We were able to all spend Thursday with him. The hospitals give you lots of time to say goodbye and getting lots of cuddles. We didn’t really want an autopsy done but the Dr’s thought it might be a good idea as they were unsure if the bleeding came the day before he was delivered or the day after.

His problems were not due to being premi. He was a very good size and his lung problems were getting much better.
At this stage they think that on the Sat he may have put some pressure on his cord and that stopped the flow of oxygen to him.

There has been a few investigations into a few things one of the hospitals did, or didn’t do. This is a on going investigation but I will let you all know the outcome as soon as I do.

 

A BEAUTIFUL SONG BY GEORGE CANYON

I have just added a link to a beautiful song I found a while ago.I’m not a religious person and I’m definitely not into Country music but this song is just beautiful. Be warned, as beautiful as it is, its also VERY sad!  So if you’re not having a ‘good’ day please don’t go and play it. The song is by George Canyon.  He wrote it for some friends of his who lost a baby.  It’s a song from an unborn baby’s perspective.   Its in my ‘LINKS’ section and its called : SONG BY GEORGE CANYON ‘ MY NAME’.

Cycle Number8- New Clinic & The Captain

Well we will be starting cycle number 8 in the next month or so and I thought I would give you a run down of our new clinic and Dr.Now I won’t name the clinic, nor will I name our new Dr, (don’t want anyone to get into trouble) but how about we just call my new Dr ‘The Captain’.  This has nothing to do with the fact that on our first meeting he was wearing a sailor outfit!  Oh who am I kidding??  Of course it does!  The man was dressed up like he was about to go out for a sail. (Probably on his very expensive yacht that has been paid for by many couples misfortunes – infertility) 

‘The Captain’ has a VERY good name for himself.  He has the highest success rate out of all the Dr’s at the clinic.  He’s known as the ‘cow boy’ Dr as he likes to do everything he shouldn’t.  And that’s fine with me.  I will no longer have to source IVF drugs on the black market just so I can up my drug dose. This is how our first meeting went:

* Walked in to find new Dr dressed up in a sailing outfit.  Had a giggle to myself. 

* Some small talk, he asked about Zak.  I cried.  He then told me I was aloud to cry.  (Why thankyou for that.  Was planing on crying a few more times before I left)  * Went over history and then had to ring my old IVF Dr (who was also my OB).  ‘The Captain’ asked my old Dr how his holiday was, told him he hoped a crab bit the end of his nob off (he didn’t use the word nob, he used the word that’s related to male chickens – yes we were shocked).  He then told our old Dr that it was ok for the crab to get it as he knew he had a large one so there would be plenty left over.  This convo just went down hill from there I’m sure my old Ob would have died if he knew we were sitting there hearing all of this.  S and I sat and piddled ourselves. 

* ‘The Captain’ then asked if he could ‘play with S’s balls’.  (No this Dr is not gay, he’s just WAY out there).  Told my husband he was VERY well hung.  I’m sure S was very happy about this.  I personally think ‘The Captain’ says this to all the men he sees for IVF.  Gives them all a little self-esteem boost.  Not that I’m saying my husband isn’t well hung – HOW ABOUT WE MOVE ON lol.  * Then ‘The Captain’ tells me he needs to do an internal u/s.  That’s all good.  Use to those, but he wants me to make a funny sound once it’s in. 

* Then ‘The Captain’ sits us down and tells us how it is.  He tells us we can give up IVF and have some very nice holidays together or we can continue to try for another baby, and be miserable.  He tells me I look miserable so I must feel miserable.  THE MAN IS WEARING A SAILOR OUTFIT!  HE LOOKS LIKE HES OFF THE ‘LOVE BOAT’ AND HE WANTS TO COMMENT ON HOW I LOOK!!!!  WHAT THE??  Of course I’m miserable.  My baby died not 5 months ago.  I’m aloud to look like shit.  (Though I thought I looked rather hot that day).

So we told ‘The Captain’ we would like to look miserable for a little longer.  Not ready to give up yet.  He was happy with that.  Went through the shit load of extra drugs he would give me.  Agreed to give me a huge dose of GonalF and off we went home. Rather interesting don’t you think??  We had been warned what he was like.  Told that he was out there ‘big time’ but that he was a VERY VERY good Dr.  So we will give it another go in a couple of months. 

Let’s see if ‘The Captain’ can ‘put another bun in the oven!!