Someone To Talk To

I thought it might be a idea to find myself a nice psychologist to chat to.

Don’t get me wrong, S is great to talk to but I think I need to cry.

S is also fine to cry with, but I feel bad.  He has to go to work each day and he doesn’t need to be worried if I’m coping or not.  I try so hard not to get upset around him and I know he would be really upset to think I didn’t want to cry around him but he just doesn’t need that worry.  If he thinks I’m at home crying all the time I know he will feel terrible and helpless stuck at work worried about me.

I try not to cry around Mum and Dad.  My Dad is not coping really well with the whole thing and he gets so upset.  I need my Dad to know we are ok so hes not upset all the time.

Its hard work keeping in all this sadness.  Sometimes all the emotions come from no where and there is just no keeping them in.  I think this might be why I feel worse now than I did 12 months ago.

Anyway I was looking in the phone book for someone to talk to who was close to home.  I found the name of a lady but it didn’t say what she specialised in so I thought I would give her a call.  As it turns out she works one day per week about 10 minutes from my home and shes connected to the IVF clinic we go to!  How odd is that??  She specialises in IVF and pg loss.  Not only will it cost me nothing (as she works with the IVF clinic so I’m covered through them) but she had a cancellation on Wed. 

Everything fell into place and I feel like I went looking for someone at the right time, I called at the right time, just when I needed to talk to someone the most.

Hope she has a big box of tissues because I think once I start I might not be able to stop!

Just Some Dribble

I don’t think I have gone this long between posts.

I just don’t have the energy to post these days. I do still get on and read all your blogs, but I have been bad at posting comments.

I think I may need my ‘happy pill’ dose upped. I just don’t feel as good as I use to. I have been really good at taking them but I seem to feel more and more like I did before I ever started them. I was put on them before I was even pg with Zak, so after all that’s happened maybe I just need a higher dose to help deal with it all. Don’t know.

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The bitch is suppose to show up today. Then cycle number 9 will start. Shes not here yet. Shes always on time, except when I want her to come so I can cycle. Then she goes on holiday. It really does just go to show what kind of a cow she is.

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In a couple of weeks it will be S and my 6 year anniversary. We always get each other just something little. He collects bourbon for the US. I called the Makers Mark gift shop in the US and ordered some dipped shot glasses and a baby boy cigar. As he is a Dad I think its only appropriate that he has a MM cigar with baby blue wax to add to his collection.

I told them not to worry about contacting me about postage. S buys full bottles from the US all the time and pays about $30 US. So I knew it wasn’t going to cost that much. How much could 2 shot glasses and a cigar cost to post?? $65 US dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!! My god I just about died. It turned two $5 shot glasses into $35 shot glasses. I love S very much but hell that’s one VERY expensive postage fee! I’m sure he will appreciate the thought. Ha ha ha

Im sure they will be worth every cent! Lol

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My sisters 3 kids all came down with the Chicken Pox in the last 2 weeks. Just as she gets the first to get them back to kindy she catches the measles. So it will be a little while before I can see my nieces and nephew. Don’t think measles is great when starting a IVF cycle. My poor sister will be going mad with 3 sick kids for weeks.

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I never drink coffee when doing a cycle. But leading up to this cycle I have yet to stop. I only have one every couple of days, but still, its something I have normally stopped by now. I feel really bad that I’m still drinking it. I know it wont make any difference to me getting pg, but it will make a difference to how my head handles a neg result.

Would have Been One Today

Huge hugs to S & N today.

Thinking of you both and your beautiful girl. xxx

Feeling A Little Better About Things

I just want to thank everyone again for your posts and private emails to me.

You all should know just how wonderful and supportive you all are.

In my ‘mad’ state yesterday I sent a email to a few a lot of midwives ALL over the world to try and get a answer to my question.

I did get a reply from a midwife at ‘Womens Health Info Line’ in QLD Australia  (were I live lol) and it really did make me feel so much better.

I thought I would post her reply just in case it helps make someone else feel a little bit better about that horrible question I’m sure so many of us keep asking ourselves.  (I will leave the ladies name off the bottom as I’m not sure if I’m suppose to post things like this)

“Dear Brenda, thanks for your email.
Babies in the womb do use their bowels when there is a lack of oxygen.  If your baby’s skin was stained with the meconium it is likely the event happened some time before the birth.  The foetal brain requires adequate oxygenation in order to sense pain, so if there was deprivation of oxygen to Zak’s brain, then it is physiologically very unlikely that he was in any pain.  All premature babies are sedated while they have assisted respiratory ventilation.  The massive bleeding on the brain may also suggest that this occurred in the womb, the brain sensory pathways would therefore not be working so he would not have felt any pain.I hope you find it reassuring to know that Zak wasn’t in any pain while you carried him in your womb.  It is a heartbreaking tragedy that will stay with you as long as you and your husband live on.  I’m going to supply you with the details of support groups just in case you don’t have them and remember your GP can refer you on to a psychologist for grief counselling if you haven’t already done so.

 STILLBIRTH AND NEONATAL DEATH SUPPORT GROUP
505 Bowen Terrace New Farm 4005
COST:  Free
PHONE:  (07) 3254 3422
EMAIL/WEB:  sandsqld@powerup.com.au
NAMED CONTACT PERSON:  Liz Davis
Offers mutual support for parents who experience the
Death of their baby through stillbirth, neonatal death or miscarriage, their
Families and friends. Also deal with interruption of pregnancy for foetal
Abnormalities. Regular support meetings are held day and evenings in
Brisbane and throughout Qld and Australia.  Supportive listeners -
Bereaved parents – offer 24-hour telephone support and understanding
For bereaved parents.  Other services – monthly newsletter, library,
Information on specific aspects of the death of a baby, liaison, education
And advocacy.

Take care Brenda
Regards ………….. “

How Fast The Madness Can Take Over

Girls I just wanted to thankyou all for your messages to my last post.

I have to admit I did have a rather hysterical major meltdown yesterday afternoon/lastnight.

I think I may have gone a little mad at the thought Zak may have been in pain before he was born.

‘Missingone’ please don’t worry about your comment.  I did already know that maconium was a sign of stress.  Plus I’m a big believer in ‘if you don’t want to know the truth, don’t ask’.  And I asked. 

So my meltdown went from major panic, to crying and panic, to walking around in circles like a mad women, to getting on the phone and calling the maternity ward at one of the major hospitals where I calmly asked to speak to a midwife.  I was put through to 3 different departments where I finally ended up being asked ‘what I wanted if I wasn’t pg’.

I then started to explain calmly.  That turned into me crying, then turned into me screaming.  Then I was put on hold so I ended up hanging up because I had completely lost the plot and couldn’t talk anyway.  Walked around in circles some more, emailed about 5 online midwives all over the world, cried some more.  Got into the shower where I cried more, vomited a little and completely tired myself out.  S came home to me looking like someone had died.  (oh that’s right, someone had)

Other than a major headache and feeling stupid today, I’m kinda better.  Funny how things seem SO much worse at night.

I’m shocked at a few things.  Shocked that it had never occurred to me Zak could have been in pain before he was born.  We asked over and over in those 3 days he was with us if he was in pain but just never thought about before he was born.  Also shocked how quickly my madness crept up behind me and took hold, and that’s without forgetting my ‘happy pills’.

I still feel really terrible about the thought Zak might have been in pain.  You are all right though, I will never know.

Anyway thankyou all for your support.  Hope my post didn’t drag any of you into my ‘little black hole’.

I Need To Know

Zak was delivered at 32 weeks gestation. He was measuring 36 weeks and if we had not turned off his ventilator when we did he would have been breathing on his own by the morning.

We turned his ventilator off as he had massive bleeding on his brain and they said he would have been a vegetable.

Its thought that he had a cord accident. The cord was not around his neck but the Dr’s seem to think he had a ‘kink’ in his cord or he ’squashed’ his cord starving his brain of oxygen for an unknown amount of time. He was delivered when he was because the Dr’s didn’t think he would be alive the next day. After all we know now I’m 99.9% sure Zak would have been dead the next day and I would have delivered a stillborn baby.

I know we did the right thing. I don’t regret any decisions we made. But I have one question. Its a question that I think about ALL the time. I feel sick when I think about it but I need a answer and I need to know the truth.

I’m sure this is a question that most mothers of still born babies have asked. So if anyone knows the answer I would love to hear from you.

Are babies like Zak in ANY pain when they are still inside having that ‘cord accident’?? When a baby is stillborn, do the Dr’s know if the bub was in pain before s/he died??

This question haunts me EVERY minute of EVERY day.

* Photo taken in the hours before Zak died. (3 days old)

Virtual World Tour Day

Virtual World Tour Day

So I thought I would love to jump on the ‘Virtual World Tour’ with you all that our lovely MA at ‘The Impatient Patient’ got you all tickets to.Ok, I have been sick again so I didn’t get ‘out and about’ with my camera. 

But I have come up with just a few pics of ‘where I live’ and the places I love to go and visit.

S and I have been living here for about 9 months now.  We live in the suburb of Boronia Heights QLD Australia.  About 25 min from Brisbane City and 30 min away from the Gold Coast.

My favorite room of our house atm is our bedroom.  This is the first year we have had a electric blanket on the bed and now that its really cold I love getting into bed with a good book and just relaxing.

In summer I like to read outside next to Frankie’s ’sandpit’.  We get a really nice cool breeze.

We have some of the most boring ‘off leash’ dog parks you have ever seen.

But some very nice parks and BBQ areas.

We take Frankie for walks down the road to our local park.  There re kangaroos just hopping around but shes not fond of them.

 

I think one of my favorite places is in Brisbane.  No its not our IVF clinic! Lol

Its Southbank.  Nothing nicer than spending time on the sand, swimming and shopping in the middle of a city.

I also love to go to the Gold Coast and spend time at Burleigh Heads Lookout.  Its where we scattered Zak’s ashes as well as where S proposed to me.

 

Hope you enjoyed your visit.  Please fasten your seat-belts at we prepare to take off for our next destination. 

‘Postman Pat’ They Are Not!

G I don’t log in for a few days and when I come back the sign in page has changed.  I couldn’t work out how to sign in.  Funny how something new melts your brain and the thought of ’scrolling down’ is just not something you think to do.

Well I don’t have a lot to say so I will post about the ‘postmen’ in my life.  I know, you can tell I’m really at the bottom of the barrel when I feel the need to post about the ‘postman’.  But its something I have been thinking about.  Maybe I should just get out more??

I think I must attract strange postmen.

Before we lived here we lived in a ‘country town’.  It wasn’t a really small town but it was still the kind of town that everyone seemed to know everyone else.

Our postman was definitely a sandwich short of a picnic.  You could just tell he wasn’t all there.  Looked a little funny, talked a little funny and always looked like he was about to fall off his motorbike.

Then there was the postman who delivered and big mail.  So boxes, parcels, anything that didn’t fit into our letter box.  He would knock at our front door and when I answered it he would get me to sign his little computer and then ask me what was on TV!  If it was the midday movie he would want to know what it was and if he had seen it he would proceed to tell me what was going to happen.  I found him rather strange.

Now that we have moved I now have to encounter two new postmen.  One in the morning for my letters and another in the afternoon if we have any large items.

My morning ‘letter’ postman is also odd.  He rides his motorbike and pops my letters in the box BUT if my front door is open he feels the need to ride right up to my front door and sit with his hand on his horn.  (His bike horn lol)

I hear some of your say ‘ well that’s nice, he brings your mail right to your front door’. 

Yes in theory its a nice idea.  But I have to be honest, having a motorbike nose to nose with your front door while a man in bright orange proceeds to honk over and over until you come running is just a little strange to me.

My ‘big parcel’ postman is nice.  But I still feel something is amiss.   We probably get something too big for our letterbox maybe 3 times a week.  He comes in the afternoon and as he gets out of his truck he yells ‘Australia Post’.  I’m sure the whole street can hear him.  I answer, say something simple like ‘how has your day been’ and he breaks into laughter like you have never heard.  He then tells me ALL about his day, then leaves, gets into his truck but sometimes returns to tell me a bit more of his story.

At times when I’m feeling really odd and like no one ‘gets me’ I often think about getting a job at the post-office.  Where the strangest person is sure to fit in. 

I Would Die For That – By Kellie Coffee

Ok, just so you can all have a little (big) cry I thought I would post this.

Its a song about ‘wanting a baby’. It will probably make you cry so please don’t click on the link if your not feeling up to it.

The song is by Kellie Coffee and its called “I WOULD DIE FOR THAT”.

Again, please don’t click on link if feeling fragile.

A Nothing Update That Ended In Me Sounding A Little Strange

Well it all seems to be VERY boring at my house these days.

No exciting news, no bad news …….. No news at all. Pathetic! Lol

S had the weekend off so yesterday I decided I had to get out of the house. Its very cold here atm, just how I LOVE it. But its still very sunny and warm in the sun. We went down to the Tavern near our house. We have never been there before. It was really nice. Nice to be out of the house, nice to be in the fresh air, nice to have lunch together, just nice to go out, spend some money on something other than pills, needles, shit to sniff,scans and Dr’s appointments. I think they call it ‘living’.

S is at work today and I have done my regular Monday thing and cleaned the house from top to bottom. I’m very big on routine. My Monday routine is to clean the house, change the sheets and do all the washing and folding. If I don’t stick to my routine my life falls to shit. Even my Mum knows not to ring and plan something for Mondays. I’m guessing its one of the reasons I’m medicated with anxiety meds! Lol That’s and a few other reasons.

Let me explain (this will so give you an inside look at how stuffed my brain is. COD is the only answer you will come up with lol)

Pegs! Pegs are a real problem at my house. All my pegs have to be the same colour. (and the same style peg). I can not for the life of me know how people go about their day knowing they have 4 different coloured pegs on their washing line, let alone 3 different types of pegs.

Now my peg problem does not affect anyone but me. So I don’t see it as a major problem. I did however have to buy 5 bags of pegs, separate the colour’s so I can have enough pegs of the same colour at any one time.

Our TV and stereo …… Oh my god. Now this one kinda does affect others. It affects S but hes really good about it. When we turn our TV up the little bar goes up in numbers. I have to have the sound on a number going up in lots of 5. So 5, 10, 15, 20 and so on. Same as in the car with the stereo. Ok, so sometimes 10 is not loud enough and 15 is to loud. Well get over it. Either get closer to the TV or watch from another room. For this reason S has said our next TV will not have numbers on the sound bar. And that’s fine with me.

Drinking glasses. My Mum has a HUGE collection of different types and sizes of drinking glasses. It does my head in. I cant function like that. All of our drinking glasses are the SAME glass. When the number of drinking glasses decreases through breakage, I get rid of the few that are left and go get my self 20 of the same glass.

ALL of our coffee cups are the same cup and I have no miss matched dinner set pieces.

All of my coat hangers match and sit facing the same direction.

Oh and the strangest of all, I count in my head when I drink. I count each mouthful I swallow and I always stop on a 5, 10, 15, 20 and so on. Ok so that one is a little strange. But once again, it doesn’t affect anyone but me. (unless you want to share the last of my drink with me and there are only 5 mouthfuls left. Sorry, you will probably miss out)

So there you go. I started off with nothing much to tell you, moved on to telling you a little about my COD (self diagnosed) and have probably left you all thinking I’m a major freak.

Feel free to respond with any funny little things you do. Would make me feel so much better to know I’m not the only one.