You know that feeling you have when you first decide your going to try for a baby? That excitement, full of ideas, hopes and day dreams of what it will be like to be a mum. It never occurs to you that it won’t happen. Its just something that you decide to do and a few months later your pregnant. Then things don’t go to plan and you find out you need to do IVF. That first few cycles you do are filled with the same hope, dreams and feelings of excitement.
Well for me that’s all gone.
These thoughts have nothing to do with me feeling like this cycle is not going to work, they are just my thoughts in general on how I feel about having another baby. These are feelings and thoughts that seemed to sneak up on me many cycles ago, I just cant really remember when.
You see, I no longer sit there and think about having a baby at home. I don’t wonder about what it will be like to be pregnant again. I don’t have daydreams about me playing with a toddler anymore. I just really cant see us having a another pregnancy, let alone a living child.
The odd thing is, I don’t have these thoughts when I’m feeling really sad, depressed or panicked about the IVF. They are there all the time. If someone was to ask me, ‘Do you think you will have another baby’? My answer is no. I really don’t think we will be lucky enough to get pregnant again.
So why do I keep doing IVF? Because I really want to be pregnant again and have a baby at home to love and care for. Do I think it will happen? No I don’t. I really think the chances are so very slim.
When I do a IVF cycle there is no longer the excitement when it starts, but there is also no longer the devastation when it doesn’t work. Not because I don’t care if it works, but because I realise well before I start the cycle that it probably wont.
So with each cycle I just go through the motions. Bt’s, scans, needles, pills, support up the clacker, EPU’s, transfers, more needles, pills and bt’s. Then comes the negative result and I move right on to the next cycle and do it all again. Without any real thought. I think thats kinda odd.
IVF has become like a boring job I do each day that I don’t really like but I do it because it is the only way we will have another baby. It probably wont happen, but it is our only chance.
I’m not upset, having a melt down or anything while I type this. Its just how it is. I have no idea how long we will keep doing IVF. I want to keep doing it until we have a healthy baby at home with us, but because I don’t think that will happen, does that mean I will do this forever??
I always wanted 4 children, and I wanted to be finished before I was 30. I’m 31 now and have a beautiful boy. But hes not healthy, living with us. Hes not even alive. Now I will be happy to have one living child before I’m 35, and then get on with life. I don’t want to be doing IVF when I’m 40. No offence to anyone who is, its just not for me. But then nothing has gone to plan so far so who knows, I just might be 45 still trying to have that healthy living little person.
When I read this back, it doesn’t upset me, worry me, panic me or make me cry. I feel nothing. And that my friends is what worries me the most.
