Here We Go Again – Didn’t We Just Do This??

Well after my ‘big fat fucking negative’ the other day, I’m happy to share with you all that the bitch showed her ugly head today.  I called the clinic and at 5.20 am tomorrow morning S and I will rock up for a day 2 scan.

Yes we are starting another cycle right away.  I have to admit that if this next cycle doesn’t work I’m going to probably go to sleep for a good 3 months.  So this will be the last for the year.  We have a wedding in Feb to go to so we wont do another cycle till after then.

The wedding is in Sydney (who gets married in Feb I just don’t know.  It will be so bloody hot it wont be funny) so I think I will get S to take an extra week off and I might take my ‘whale’ like body to some remote town for a holiday on the way home where I can drink bottles of Moscato and pop many a pill containing codeine and forget the world for a week or so before coming home to more IVF.

This whole IVF thing is bloody hard and tiring work!

I am really sorry I have been so slack at reading everyones blogs this last week.  I promise i will get to them all in the next day or so.

Thanks Everyone

Thanks everyone for your support.  I really am ok with everything.  The days of crying over a failed cycle are long gone, though S still has a VERY hard time with them.

I think for me the reason I don’t get really upset about them is because….. lets face it, far worse things happen.  I think my head compares a failed cycle with Zak dying and so the failed cycle just seems so unimportant.  Does that make sense?? Plus I’m the kind of person who needs to move on fast to the ‘next thing’ because I’m scared if I don’t, I will sit in the corner and cry and never be able to stop.

Megs would love to be able to tell you that sky diving is a wonderful experience and you should try it but I have a small confession.  I wont get in a plane, let alone jump out of one!   The ’smoking of crack’ though, well that a different story! Ha ha (I’m joking people )

Anyway, a bottle of wine and a couple of Panadeine Forte later and I had a wonderful sleep and this morning feel like I have been hit by a truck.  The things we do!

Finished The 2ww

Well I had my bt this morning and waited ALL day only to be told it was a BIG FAT FUCKEN NEGATIVE!!  What a waist of two ‘perfect’ looking embryos.  What a waist of a day.  I could have been drinking, smoking crack and sky diving!!

When af turns up (oh that bitch) we will be jumping right back into another cycle.

Hey, what else am I going to do with my life??

When You Cant Find It, Make It

I have been looking for a frame to put one of my favorite photos of Zak in.  I wanted a baby boy frame. But I wanted large frame that would hold a big photo.

Well I came to the conclusion that people just don’t like to have large photos of their bubs in baby frames. I couldn’t find one anywhere!

We have lots of photos of Zak in frames. Wooden ones and silver ones, but we didn’t have a frame that was ‘baby’ like. It didn’t have to be flash. Just a nice colour, cute and boy looking. I looked ALL over the place for one.

So what does a Mum do when she cant find what she wants??? She makes it!  I finished it today. Its very simple. So simple that I cant work out why I couldn’t find one in the shops.

Anyway I wanted to share it with you all.

The photo of Zak is not the clearest we have, it was taken in a dark room BUT it is the only photo we have of him when he was alive with little booties on, and those big feet at the bottom of those beautiful little legs just make me melt inside.

Christmas Is In The Air – Well At Our House Anyway :)

Well for those of you who know me will know what was going on at my house on the first weekend in Oct! Well just to shock you all, it didn’t happen until lastnight (much to my horror) due to S just being so busy at work.

YES ITS TIME FOR THE CHRISTMAS TREE TO GO UP IN OUR HOUSE!

A little early I hear some of you say. Its bad luck I hear others of you say. Are you mad? I hear you all say!

Well before anyone jumps in and gives me the ‘its bad luck’ talk, I will give you the answer I give to friends, family and strangers who say that to me.

‘Yes I know its bad luck, that’s why we cant have a baby. Because I put the tree up in Oct’.

Really people, do ANY of you really think its bad luck??

To those who say its to early, well I LOVE Christmas. A time full of family, food and gift giving. (You can tell I’m not religious at all lol)

To those who say its not suppose to go up until the 1st Dec. I say ‘WHO SAYS???

So today I spent my day decorating the tree. Adding Zak’s Christmas ball my Mum got for S and I last year. I have my wreath on the front door. (God that’s going to get people in the street talking lol)

Yes my husband is a calm and easy going man. (That’s why I love him) Hes use to the Christmas spirit starting at our house in Oct.

I don’t however think he will cope if he comes home from work and I have the Xmas CD’s playing.

The tree photo is rather blurry.  Lets just say I still cant use our camera very well.

A Doppler Doesnt Give All The Information

I have had some friends talk about getting a Doppler when they get pregnant.

I had a Doppler when I was pregnant with Zak. The thought that some think a good Doppler reading means all is good with Bub has me going into a frenzy of panic……………….

S got me a VERY good Doppler when I was 10 weeks pregnant. It was great. Very reassuring if movement was little. We used it just about every second day. Not because we thought something was wrong but because it was so cool to hear your bub alive inside.

The day that I didn’t feel movement, including the morning I went to the hospital, we had used the Doppler (because of lack of movement) many times. Each time Zak’s HB was between 150 and 160. So a very strong HB.

It was for this reason that I NEARLY didn’t go to the hospital. I thought all must have been fine. It was only that S said we should go anyway (I didn’t want to waste anyones time) that we went. Zak’s HR was fine at all 3 hospitals. BUT he was VERY sick and at some stage squashing his cord.

Please don’t take a good Doppler reading as ‘everything is ok’. If you have lack of movements go get it checked out, and if that means going to the hospital 3 times a week then that’s what you do. If Zak had not been delivered when he was it is thought he would have been stillborn the very next day.

I probably wont even get our Doppler out of its box if I get pg again. It gave me a false sense of security.

 

AN ADDED NOTE:

Just wanted to say that I’m not warning against having a Doppler. Just don’t think that because your Doppler shows a good HR that you should ignore other signs of a baby in distress.

Two ‘Perfect’ Embies Back Inside

Ok, so I’m off with the fairies! I have only just realised I headed my last post with ‘Another Transfer Over’ when in fact it wasn’t transfer, it was EPU. I must have been having a ‘blonde’ moment.

Out of our 19 eggs 15 of them were good enough to be fertilised but we only ended up with 5 embies. Now I know to some this would be devastating but for me its all very normal. Actually I normally only get 5 eggs and 1 or 2 embies, so its rather good for me.

So today I went to the hospital for a day 2 transfer and I think it went really well.

Our 5 embies were all still alive but the scientist told us she had good and bad news. The bad was that 3 of our embies looked really crap and she didn’t think they would be able to freeze them but then she told us that the other 2 were ‘perfect’ (yes you heard me right – perfect) embies with no fragmentation! (my embies – other than when I got pg with Zak – are always very fragmented). This is a 2 day transfer for us and the embies were 4 cell.

I told her to get off the grass and that I would have been happy if one sus embie was still alive but to be told I had 2 perfect embies …… I was over the moon.

So I’m a little sleepy from my Valium and brandy. Ha ha I’m on loads of progesterone again as well as Clexane jabs, Cardiprin, prednisone, and 3 HCG injections throughout the 2ww.

I’m very happy with this result but do know that many have perfect blast embies put in and don’t get pg so I do know this still has a high chance of not working BUT it does remind me that my body can spit out a good egg here and there and its all just a matter of time.

Anyway I’m off to have my other 10 mg of Valium!

Another EPU Over

Well what a bloody long day yesterday was. I was desperate to drink all day and then when I got to the clinic they were WAY behind so I was late going in. Didn’t come out of recovery till after 4.15 pm!

Woke up VERY sore this time and feeling rather faint. Nothing some Panadeine forte wont fix.

Well I have to say that even though they say ‘if you don’t respond to 450 you wont respond to 600′ I have once again proved their little theory wrong. While I find no difference between having 450 and 600 I obviously need the 900 to do anything good.

I’m still hoping to get just one or two nice looking embies for transfer on Friday. I have no idea what my eggs were like (immature and so on) as we didn’t speak to the scientist like normal. They were just so busy. But I was stoked to get 19 (YES 19!!!!) eggs again. Very good for a ‘poor responder’. Though maybe i cant carry that title anymore??
They are probably all stuffed and I will probably have only 1 or 2 average embies at the end of this. But hey, I’m use to it!

I feel really good today. Not much pain at all. I have to call the clinic at 8.30 am today to see if we have any embies and also to find out when transfer will be on Friday. Will keep you all posted.

A Pic Of Marmaduke – Just For You niobe :)

Just for you ‘niobe’ I took a photo of Marmaduke.

Couldn’t get him out of the tank as he has just shed his skin and is a little on the cranky side. (I have to wait for S to get his skin out, so thats it hanging there)

Who am I kidding, I was never going to get the little shit out. Lol  He bit me once!

He’s a little odd, we have tried different ground coverings but he never really liked them.  So we took them out and now he slithers around a 100 miles per hour.  He obviously loves polished flooring.  My snake the snob!

For Meg & D

Meg and D, just wanted you both to know I will be thinking about you today. (Monday)

Beautiful M will be looking over you both. So proud that you are her parents.

Together you will get through this, not over it, not ever, but through it.

They say ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, well you both must be two of the strongest people after all you have been through.

Take care of each other and remember many are here for you.