I have been writing and deleting this post for a couple of weeks now. I write it because its how I feel but I then delete it because I know it will upset some. Even make them mad at me. In the end though I really feel its something I need to post about so here goes ……..
Lately I have read SO many blogs written about how sad the writer is that they are not pregnant but everyone else in ‘blog world’ is. I feel so deeply sorry for those who are struggling with this. Its not fair. Its not fair that many of us cant get pregnant and its really not fair that for those lucky enough to get pregnant can have their baby ripped away from them.
Standing on the other side though I have to say its HARD being pregnant when others are not. The guilt felt is HUGE. You battle so many emotions. One minute your over the moon your pregnant, then your worried that it might all turn to shit again, you feel guilty that your pregnant and others who have lost more than you are not. Its a true roller coaster of feelings that really do leave you exhausted and confused.
On one hand I tell myself that I am truly lucky to be pregnant again. I want to post about my pregnancy, my fears, excitement and guilt but I’m lost for a place to truly do this. Obviously I don’t want to upset anyone. I have tried to post in a way that wont upset those still reading who are not pregnant. I have purposely not added a pregnancy ticker, but at the end of the day I cant help that I am once again pregnant.
I know it hurts to see and hear about other pregnancies. I have been there, but I would also hate to think I have ever made anyone feel guilty for being pregnant. It is such a special and wonderful experience to go through. No one should ever feel uncomfortable about their special gift. A gift is exactly what it is.
I guess the hard thing is going through a loss with people, sharing sad stories and being there for each other only to find yourself feeling guilty that you are that extra step ahead of those you have shared so much with. Being pregnant again doesn’t take away the pain of Zak dying. It doesn’t make me care or feel less for those who are still grieving or in a desperate battle to get pregnant for the first time or after a loss.
It really doesn’t change anything except that now I seem to feel guilty more than anything. I understand no one is setting out to make others feel bad. We all post what we need to post. Our feelings, hurts and so on. I also understand just how angry, pissed at the world and depressed one gets when they are desperately wanting to have a baby and they seem to be the only one who is not pregnant. I get it. I truly do. I just wanted to post how it feels to be the one who is pregnant again, and just how bad we feel about it.
