They say the ‘firsts’ are the hardest.  The due date, first birthday, first anniversary of the day your baby died, first Christmas and so on.  Well whoever ‘ they’ are got it so right!We have just had our first Christmas after we lost our little man, and it was  HORRIBLE!  I have never felt so lost and ripped off in all my life. This Xmas was suppose to be so different to all the others.  Full of wonderful gifts for a chubby 6 month old.  Instead I just felt sad. We took some balloons to where we scattered Zak’s ashes and let them go.  The funny thing was that we had to get the balloons Xmas Eve as everything was shut Xmas day and by the time we let them go the helium in them was stuffed.  We let them go anyway and as they tried hard to go over the hill people who were walking up the hill kept bringing them back or us! Lol we let some of the balloons go 4 times.  🙂  If they only knew.  It did put a little smile on my face though.So now we just have a few ‘ firsts’ left.  We have Zak’s birthday and the anniversary of his death.  The first Mothers Day without him and then we should be just about ‘ firsts’ out.Tonight is New Years Eve and I can’t wait to kick 2006 out the door and start a nice new year tomorrow.2007 can only be better!!!! 



The only thing I seem to be able to do for sure on this thing is type a post. I can’t add links, I’m having trouble with photos and its really frustrating. Lol So I will stick to what I know I can do. My husband got me a puppy a few months after we lost Zak. He worries about me being home along with nothing to do but think about what we no longer have. I stopped leaving the house for a while there. I know that’s not healthy but we lived in a smallish town and everyone seemed to either know what had happened and avoided me or didn’t know what had happened so they would come and ask where our baby was.

Getting a puppy changed things. I couldn’t sit inside anymore. You forget how warm the sun is. I had to walk and play with her. BTW – her name is Frankie (originally Frank but everyone seemed to think I was mean giving her a boys name. Like she knew!! Lol) Shes a Rottie/Lab and shes very cute. And she has saved me. She’s ripped all my clothes, dug loads of holes, barks when I don’t go out to her first thing in the morning and dug up some of my trees. But shes saved me! She doesn’t need me to explain why I’m crying, she’s always there for a cuddle and she lets me talk about Zak for hours and never interrupts. When your baby dies you should leave the hospital with a puppy. It should be law.

.Frankie - 6 weeks

Hello world!

Well like it says, hello world!

This is the second time I have started a blog.  So I guess we will see how we (or should I say I) go.

My husband and I have just moved to the Brisbane area (Australia).  We have been married over 5 years and have been trying to have a baby for just about as long.  We are so very lucky to be one of the ‘chosen’ few that have to do IVF to get that family we so desperatley want.  (you will all soon get use to my sarcasim I’m sure)

We have done 7 cycles of IVF.  Cycle number 5 was a pos.  but we had a m/c at around 5-6 weeks.  And cycle number 6 was the winner for us!  We found out on Melb Cup Day (05)that we were pg.  And until 32 weeks I had the most perfect pregnancy.  I loved every minute of it, that’s until it all turned to shit the day before Mothers Day.  (How ironic)

We started at Lismore Base Hospital, transported to Pindara Private, transported to Southport Hospital (where I delivered our beautiful boy Zak and thats a whole different story) and then transported to Mater Mothers (all in 24 hours)

Somewhere between having a baby and having a baby pass away my husband got to have his birthday.  His first birthday as a Dad.  I’m sure his birthdays will never feel the same again.  And for that I feel truly sick and sorry for him.  But he did get to be a Dad on his birthday.  I guess that’s a small something.


We had some time to ourselves – no IVF for a few months.  Not long enough probably.  But you know what they say ‘ I’m not getting any younger’.  We tried to fit in one more go before Xmas.  The week we moved to another state.  S started a new job.  And just 6 months since we had Zak.  Probably all a little to much at once.  It was a crap cycle from the start so we didn’t have much hope for it.  And that’s a good thing as it was the most crap cycle we have ever done.  Not even one crap embie to pop back in.

So with Christmas fast approaching (yes the Christmas that was suppose to be so different.  The first with a new bub to spoil rotten) we will have to wait till 2007 before we jump back on IVF roller-coaster.

 Im not sure how long it will take to give Zak a brother or sister.  But Im a very determined person and I probably wont give up till I have baby number 2 in my arms.

 We will see I guess.  🙂