My Dog Can Do Magic

I had my sister over on the weekend with my nieces. We decided to have a BBQ.

S thought it would be nice to do some magic tricks for them. (No he’s not a magician, just a 26 year old with a green silk hankie and the equipment to do the ‘ dissapering silk trick’ – I wont wreck it all for you by telling you how its done)

Anyway ………….. All was going fine. Miss 4 and Miss 2 were having a wonderful time. They were amazed when it would disappear and even more amazed when it would reappear in funny places like from behind their ears and so on.

All was going fine till he decided it would be funny if it reappear from Frankie’s bottom (out dog).

That part of the trick worked fine. BUT Frankie was obviously really pissed off that he would use her bottom for the trick without her permission.

She waited quietly beside S till the right opportunity came along and S dropped the silk!!!!

Within seconds she picked up the silk in her mouth and ran like she’s never run before. With S, Miss 4, Miss 2,my sister and myself all on the chase Frankie swallowed the silk!

frankie-003.jpg Now while S was very jacked about losing his silk. The only silk he has to do his magic trick, I was far more worried that Frankie was going to die!

Her obituary would read ‘ choked on silk hanky’ (now that’s worse than choked on ham sandwich don’t you think??)

I called the vet who told me all would be fine and to get her some bran if I was REALLY worried. That I did.

Well yesterday Frankie did her own magic trick.

Only she really did make the hankie appear out of her bottom!!!!!

Will This Make Me Feel A Little Bit Better?

Well it’s the middle of the night (and then some) and I just can’t sleep.

I talked with a solicitor today and we are now deciding if we will take some kind of legal action against the hospital that delivered Zak.

What to do, what to do!

And to think some silly person said you just got pregnant, had a baby and lived happily ever after! What drugs were they on???

So Why Do You Want A Baby?

Ok ……. I’m probably going to really upset some with this post.

I was going to keep my thoughts to myself. But I have been thinking about this all night. Getting more and more pissed off as the hours go by.

Yesterday I was searching different blog’s when I cam across some ‘ right for life’ blog’s.

These blog’s got me so worked up it wasn’t funny. I always ‘thought’ I sat closer to the ‘ right for life’ side of the fence. Not 100% over there though. While I myself would like to think I would never have a abortion (and I have always thought like this – way before I ever knew we would need IVF) I am still a big believer that it should not be against the law. We don’t want to go back to the days where women put their life in danger by having ‘ back yard’ abortions.  Making it against the law won’t stop it happening.

Since needing to do IVF though I have come to realise that EVERYONES situation is different. And until you walk in someone’s shoes you should never judge.

I mean, I would like to think I wouldn’t have a abortion but I have not been in a situation where I have ever had to consider one.

And might I just add that my opinion on abortions (for me) has nothing at all to do with ‘ the embryo is a baby’ argument. That doesn’t come into my reasoning at all. I’m just a person who doesn’t deal with guilt very well and ‘I think’ it would be something that I would have major problems with for the rest of my life.

Anyway, getting back to why I was really pissed off when reading these blog’s.

It seems that the ‘right for life’ lot not only don’t like you taking life but they are also against making life!!! (can you really have it both ways??)

They seem to be VERY against IVF. The whole designer babies thing upsets them greatly.

Now I’m also not a fan of designer babies. I don’t personally believe in sex selection (other than for medical reasons), I don’t think you need to pick eye colour or hair colour. (shit as long as you have a healthy baby who cares).

The problem I found was the ‘ right for life’ lot don’t like IVF at all.

You see it seems that if you do IVF you should have to explain ‘ why you want a baby’. And wanting to have a baby because you have a burning desire to have children and make a family is not a good enough reason. Its a selfish reason.

Well I want to know why having a baby because you ‘ want’ a baby is ok if you can fall pregnant the old fashion way but not if you need IVF.

Is it ok to be selfish if you don’t need IVF? And while we are on the subject, why do people who need IVF need to have a reason for wanting a baby? No one asks a couple who can conceive naturally why they want a baby. But it seems to be a question asked to IVF couples all the time.

Yes I agree having a baby (anyone – IVF or naturally) is in many ways a selfish act. We have babies because ‘we’ want them, ‘we’ want a family, ‘we’ want to feel more compleat. Hell if we all wanted to be completely unselfish we would all adopt babies who need good homes. Babies and children who have nothing. Not bring new life into this sometimes harsh and depressing world.

But thats not life. (though I do think people who adopt are amazing and wonderful people)

I just don’t believe a couple who can have a baby without assistance has anymore right to be selfish, fill their own needs for a family anymore than a couple who need a little help!

The Golden Egg


We have always been very open about us having to do IVF.

All of our family and friends know. Even my nieces know we need help to have a baby.

When we first got pregnant my 4 year old niece said to us, ‘you have a golden egg in your belly’. We don’t know where this came from. Although we had discussed the Dr’s helping us we had never gone into the whole ‘egg and sperm’ thing with her.

Miss 4 continued to talk about ‘The Golden Egg’ and we never thought to correct her and explain it was an embryo. Why would we?? She didn’t know what an egg was.

As my pregnancy went on Miss 4 would talk all the time about ‘The Golden Egg’. She had thoughts on the sex of the baby. And always asked when it would be coming out.

Our whole family talked about our baby. But always referred to it as ‘The Golden Egg’. It just caught on.

When I gave birth to Zak my parents (as well as S’s parents) were on a holiday in Europe. (Not all together)

When they realised things were turning to shit and fast, they all decided they would do the mad dash home.

My parents had to stop over in Singapore for 4 hours. (I’m sure a VERY long 4 hours to them)

My Dad went for a wonder and came across this funny little shop in the airport. And you will never believe what they sold!!! ‘THE GOLDEN EGG’!!

He rushed to get Mum. He told her it had to be a sign and that he just HAD to buy it.

Mum was worried it would upset us. Dad on the other hand (who is in no way a believer in ‘those kind of things’) was determined to buy it.

So after a few hours of looking at it, talking to the shop assistant about it, and making sure they got one with the right meaning, my Dad decided he just had to buy it.

He picked the one that meant ‘HOPE FOR THE FEAUTURE’.

They gave S and I ‘The Golden Egg’ a few days after Zak’s funeral. They were both so worried that it would upset S and I. But we thought it was just beautiful.

Dad worked out a few weeks later that Zak passed away within minutes of Dad buying our ‘Golden Egg’. And I think that really upset him.

Miss 4 on the other hand walked into our house one day. Soon after we got ‘The Golden Egg’. She took one look at it and was SO shocked. She just stared at it. And then very excitedly she said ‘see I told you baby Zak had a Golden Egg with him. He left it with you when he went up to the sky’



For The Dads


It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,

Since ‘men don’t cry’ and ‘men are strong’

No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult

To stand up to the test,

And field calls and visitors

So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she’s alright

And what’s she’s going through,

But seldom take his hand and ask,

‘My friend, but how are you?’

He hears her crying in the night

And thinks his heart will break.

He dries her tears and comforts her,

But ‘stays strong’ for her sake.

It must be very difficult

To start each day anew.

And try and be so very brave—

He lost his baby too.

(Eileen Knight Hagemeister)



People Can Be So Stupid


10 – Maybe you should give up the idea of having a baby.

09 – It was meant to be, it happened for a reason.

08 – Your lucky he didn’t live, it could have been so much worse.

07 – You will get over it soon.

06 – You still seem a little upset about losing him.

05 – You just need to get on with your life now.

04 – Have another baby. That will help you forget.

03 – Don’t dwell on it.

02 – Lots of people have miscarriages


01 – We know how you feel, we had to put our dog down the other day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad Dreams

I have been having the most horrible dreams.
And I don’t know how to make them stop.

Soon after we lost Zak I would have dreams I was still pregnant. When I would wake up I would be lying there and it would take me a few minutes to remember I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was really horrible.

I’m also a very twitchy person. I seem to have twitches ALL the time. So when I get them in my stomach it’s really unnerving. It’s like having a baby more around in there and so sad knowing it’s just a twitch. I know it sounds stupid.

Anyway the dreams stopped and all was ok. But lately I have been having bad dreams again. And I had one last night that made me want to be sick.
I dreamed that I was 24 weeks pregnant. And I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.
She didn’t live long and I was so desperate to get lots of photos of her before she died.
I woke up feeling just terrible.

It made me realise I will never enjoy being pregnant again. Even if I am that lucky to have another baby it will be nine months of hell. And that makes me so sad.
Everyone should be able to enjoy their pregnancy. Those who have done IVF will understand how hard it is to get pregnant and it just seems unfair that once it does happen we can’t enjoy the whole experience.

I know, you probably all think I’m selfish because at least I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have had the experience. But that doesn’t stop you desperately wanting it all over again just like every other ‘Jo’.

All I know now is that I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to sleep because I’m scared I will have more horrible dreams. Coffee will once again become my best friend!