Bad Dreams

I have been having the most horrible dreams.
And I don’t know how to make them stop.

Soon after we lost Zak I would have dreams I was still pregnant. When I would wake up I would be lying there and it would take me a few minutes to remember I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was really horrible.

I’m also a very twitchy person. I seem to have twitches ALL the time. So when I get them in my stomach it’s really unnerving. It’s like having a baby more around in there and so sad knowing it’s just a twitch. I know it sounds stupid.

Anyway the dreams stopped and all was ok. But lately I have been having bad dreams again. And I had one last night that made me want to be sick.
I dreamed that I was 24 weeks pregnant. And I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.
She didn’t live long and I was so desperate to get lots of photos of her before she died.
I woke up feeling just terrible.

It made me realise I will never enjoy being pregnant again. Even if I am that lucky to have another baby it will be nine months of hell. And that makes me so sad.
Everyone should be able to enjoy their pregnancy. Those who have done IVF will understand how hard it is to get pregnant and it just seems unfair that once it does happen we can’t enjoy the whole experience.

I know, you probably all think I’m selfish because at least I have been pregnant and had a baby. I have had the experience. But that doesn’t stop you desperately wanting it all over again just like every other ‘Jo’.

All I know now is that I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to sleep because I’m scared I will have more horrible dreams. Coffee will once again become my best friend!

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One Response

  1. Oh B, of course you’re not selfish- you have been through so much and you should rightly have your boy with you; and no doubt that is manifesting itself in your dreams.

    (hugs)

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