New Look – For Now

Yes you have come to the right place.

I know, its not as bright in here as before. But it is clean looking!

Felt like a bit of a change. I’m sure I will have my pink flowers back very soon.

But sometimes different is good.

I do have trouble finding a theme I like.

This will do for now.

I Can See You There Lurking :)

Hello all you sneaky people!!!

Yes you, I’m looking right at you!

Oh you think I cant see you when you sneak into my blog. 

Well I can, well kinda.  Ok, not at all.  But I know your looking cos my stats tell me you are.

So come on out from behind the curtain and let me know who you are.

Let me know if you think I’m mad, a raving fruitloop or if you think most of what I post is dribble.

I wont mind at all.  I would just like to know what you think and who you are. 🙂

Cycle # ????? Oh Who Can Remember!

Well the next cycle is getting closer and closer. 

The closer it gets the more I want to wait another month.

Am I going to want to put it off forever?

Do I just go ahead and do it?

Will I ever be ready?

I’m scared I might never have another baby and I’m scared I will get pg again and that baby will die as well.

A few people have said to me ‘ don’t cycle again unless you know you can cope with another loss’.

Who gets up and goes ‘ Yup I can cope with another dead baby’?

That’s just not normal to think like that.

I turn 31 in a few weeks.  I always said I wanted to have 3 kids by the time I was 30. 

Then I said I would be happy to just have one.  Well I got my one.  My one little precious angel.  I must have forgot to say I wanted a living, happy and healthy baby by the time I was 30.  Silly me!

I hope to have baby number 2 by the time I’m 32.  But I would like to state for the record, that I would like this one to live.  To be a happy, health chubby bub.  PLEASE

Zak’s Tree

Ok, while I’m gloating about plants and trees I have not killed I thought I would post a pic of Zak’s tree.

First I will tell you a little about how it came to be.

Zak’s birth tree is a Chestnut Tree. I found a chestnut Tree just before Father’s Day last year and thought it would be nice to give S for the first Fathers Day after Zak died.

I had a plaque made and S loved it.

Sadly when we moved to QLD is was just way to hot for a Chestnut. In fact where we lived in NSW was probably a little too hot as well. So the Chestnut turned into a dead stick!

We fond a lovely Tropical Native Gardenia Tree and decided to pot it and have that for Zak’s Tree. Its doing really well. And we have everything crossed it will flower in May. The month Zak was born AND got his Angel wings.

 

 

 

 

 

How I Feel Each Day

If I could have a lifetime wish

a dream that would come true

I’d pray to God with all my heart

for yesterday and you

A thousand words can’t bring you back

I know because I’ve tried

And neither would a million tears

I know because I’ve cried

You left behind a broken heart

and happy memories too

I never wanted memories

I only wanted you

 

 

I’m not sure who wrote this but it is just how I feel.

So whoever did write this, I thankyou.

Welcome To The World My Little Nephew

My sister gave birth lastnight to her 3rd.

She had a 8 lb 6.5 oz baby boy.

They gave him Zak for a middle name.  (Zak after our Zak obviously)

I’m really happy for them but so sad that we can’t take our little man to the hospital to visit his new cousin.

I Think We Can!!!

Ok, well after my MAJOR MEGA melt down the other night,I have decided to pull my finger out and get pregnant!  Well at least try.

We need to do IVF to have another baby so sitting around feeling sorry for myself and being to scared to do another cycle is not going to help the whole process. So its time to take charge of the situation as best I can.

We will do another cycle when af turns up next month.  We will try and get more than 1 egg.  We will try and get at least 1 (2 would be nice) wonderful looking embies.  And we will get try to get pregnant.  We will have a healthy baby next time.  Things will go nice and smoothly.

Just call me ‘Miss Positive’ today!!!!  (tomorrow might be a different story though lol)

Channel 10 ‘ Saving Babies ‘

Well you know how all the traffic stops to look at a car crash?? Its just one of those things you know you shouldn’t stop to look at but you just cant help yourself.

Well that was me last night. Only it wasn’t a car crash, it was a show on channel 10 called ‘ Saving Babies’.

Its filmed in a NICU at one of Australia’s best women and children’s hospital.

Now I knew I shouldn’t watch it, I knew it would upset me, I knew it would remind me of what we have been through and I knew it would remind me our arms are empty.

So I watched it!

Apparently there are only happy endings. And ok that’s nice. For those families. But it made me think about the babies and families they might have followed and filmed, only to have the baby die. I guess they just scrap those stories. Film a heap and only show the stories of those babies that lived. I know people don’t want to watch things on TV about babies becoming angels, but I just think its sad that the short lives of some of those little bubs are just thrown to the side. Like they meant nothing.

ANYWAY, I watched, and I shouldn’t have. I got a huge headache, vomited a few times and then lost the plot BIG time. I think I may have gone mad for a moment to two.

Poor S had to come home. I ended up at the Medical Center. I needed something to stop my eyes throbbing out of my head.

The poor Dr must have wondered what the hell I was on. Instead of giving me some pills for my head he decided to sedate me!!!! A needle in the bum and I was out for the count within 15 min.

I wake today feeling embarrassed for my carry on last night, for making S worry, for losing control, for not being thankful for what I DO have and I feel like I have been hit by a truck!

I might give the show a miss next week. 🙂

A ‘Get To Know Me’ Poll

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
IVF bills. They are a reminder that we still have to do IVF because we don’t have 2.3 kids of our own!

2. Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
At the beach.

3. Last time you puked from drinking?
I get pissed after 1/2 a beer. Now that’s not enough alcohol to make you sick is it?

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
I would hope if I danced on a bar it would mean I had drank a bottle of something. Remember I don’t drink more than 1/2 a beer.

5. Name of your 2nd grade teacher?
Mrs. Jones

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Swallowing some pills with a shit load of codeine in them to get rid of my big fat headache.

7. How many colleges did you attend?
None

8. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
It was my last clean one in my overnight bag.

9. GAS PRICES First thought?
Someone is making a shit load of money.

10. If you could be anywhere and take someone with you…Who & where? I would take S with me. But have no idea where we would go. Its raining now.

11. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Our alarm was Frankie barking. First thought – I’m going to kill her!

12. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Frankie was barking. Last thought – I’m going to kill her.

13. What chore do you most despise?
Thinking of what to make for dinner.

14. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery?
Who said I had to work? If someone told you I had a job they were tricking you.

15. Get up early or sleep in?
Early. Unless I have had codeine. Lol

16. NOT SURE WHAT THE GO WAS WITH QUESTION 16 HA HA

17. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
Sleep (if I have had codeine)

18. A secret that you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing?
I’m really not a very nice person!

19. Are you planning on remaining in your current field?
Married mother of an Angel? I don’t think I can change that.

20. If you are not married, do you see yourself married in the next five yrs?
Already married.

21. Your favorite lunch meat?
Turkey.

22. What do you get every time you go into a Wal-Mart?
We don’t have Wal-Mart here. Is it like Kmart? If so I don’t really shop there.

23. Beach or lake?
I hate sand so I pick a lake.

24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
Not at all. But if you cant do it without a third person then you need to give it a miss.

25. Who do you stalk on MySpace?
No one. God I have only just got a handle on the whole blog thing. Don’t start adding extra shit for me to look at!

26. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Coffee.

27. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?

I think I’m a little old to be giving a shit what others think.

28. What’s “your” drink?
Water.

29. Non-alcoholic:
Water lol

30. Cowboys or Indians?
Depends what you want me to do with them?

31. Cops or Robbers?
Cops

32. Do you fall for the bad boy/girl type?
Oh S is sooooo NOT a bad boy! He’s far to nice for that.

33. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?
That’s such a stupid bloody question I refuse to answer it.

34. Which cast member of Friends are you most like?
Am I the only person in the world who hates shows like that. Now I might sound more like ‘House’ in real life. Ha ha

35. What do you want when you are sick?
Codeine.

36. Who from high school would you like to run into?
Depends what you want me to say to them when I see them.

37. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?

Don’t really get the music I like on the radio.

38. Norm or Cliff?
Well I’m guessing this is a American poll so I’m also guessing norm is not the ‘ LifeBeInIt’ dude?

39. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons:
Is that all you are going to give me to pick from?

40. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Going back again and again and again and again ………….

41. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
Don’t work so I don’t have to sit across from anyone.

42. If you could get away with it, whom would you kill?
I refuse to answer on the grounds I may get put in jail if they were to die. Ha ha

43. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
I would rather get some codeine and go to bed. Can I pick that?

44. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope.

45. Last book you read for real?
Its in my handbag and Im so not getting up to go look at what the name of it is.

46. Do you have a teddy bear?
Nope.

47. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
I like to brush my teeth in the shower each morning. Is that strange enough?

48. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
I’ve never been to CA!!

49. Number of texts in a day?
Maybe one?

50. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
Career.

51. Pencil or pen?
Pen – I hate how you get led all over your hand when you use a pencil. (I’m a lefty)

52. Bueller??? Bueller??? Bueller???
WTF? Who is making these questions up?

53. How many jobs have you had?
3

54. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I would like to say the mother of 4 kids but fuck who am I kidding!

55. What do you think of the person that took this survey before you?
I use to think I was the biggest smart ass (yes I know your all shocked – I come across as such a nice person) but now I think I might be wrong. Oh she seems really nice and funny though. Ha ha

ONCE AGAIN I SOUND LIKE A DRUGO!!!!!!!

3 Litres Of Milk Slaped Across A Nana’s Head

I think I’m a rather reasonable mother of a sleeping angel. Reasonable infertile women.

I go to baby showers, visit mums with their new bubs in hospital, talk to toddlers, talk to mums about their toddlers, smile at pg women, ask them how they are, how far along they are. Talk to women about the births of their babies. I’m happy to buy baby stuff for others, wonder in the baby department with my pg sister, read birth stories, look at photos of new bubs and be genuanly happy for couples who are all having babies around me.

When reading back on all of this, I have to say, after everything S and I have been through, I think I have it together really well. Im happy with my behaviour. With my willingness to not let the world beat me. To not let ‘whoever’ decides who should be happy and who shouldn’t be to get the better of me.

Over all I think Im a ok kinda person!

NOT TODAY!!!!!

Today for some really strange reason I just didn’t cope. I was walking through a shopping center when I came across a group of women all talking about their pg daughters and daughter who have just had bubs. These women were all cooing over their grandchildren. Showing photos to each other and talking about weights and due dates.

Normally this would all be fine. I would be very happy for them all – any other day – just not today. I don’t know why I was pissed off at them today. But as they all talked their baby dribble I felt my face go red with anger. My hand had this terrible twitch. And I had a burning desire to slap each and everyone of them across the head with a large 3 litres of milk! I wanted to scream at them all ‘ well arnt you all just fu#ken lucky. Must be nice to have live babies in your lives’.

I wanted to tell them that the rest of the world doesn’t need to hear of their cute baby stories. That the rest of the world wishes they would ‘get a room’ to disguss such topics.

That the rest of the world hates having their live baby stories rubbed in her its face.

But I didn’t. I just walked passed them all. Smiled. And died inside!