A Mix Of Lots Of Dribble

I think I have lost the plot!

I never use to ‘think’ I was pg.  Never been one to get a slight cramp, twitch or feel tired and all of a sudden think I was ‘ up the duff’, but after the other month I just cant stop thinking about it.

I am 99% sure I was pg last month.  I have never been so sure about anything in my life.  And I really wish I had gone to the Dr and had my HCG tested.  But now, being the ‘next month’ without having ANYTHING to make me feel pg I seem to walk around all day wondering if I am.  I have to keep telling myself if I don’t get it together I’m going to become one of those ladies who have a fantom pregnancy!

I’m going to be one of those poor women who wants to have a baby so badly that her body makes one up for her.  Oh god that would be just terrible.

I’m sure this is neither healthy or more the point if I think about it, really think about it,   I know I’m just screwed in the head!  (Yes I know some of you who know me have been thinking that for a long time).

AF is due next Sat.  That is when I have to ring the clinic to start the next cycle.  Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit.  I’m just dreading going to see ‘The Captain’ again. (What a strange man he is lol)

I have been trying to drop some kg’s but seem to have just put on weight. Maybe I feel fatter because I’m pg??!! just getting fatter?

But I really have tried.

I’m not sure if my head will take another bfn.  Just thinking about it makes my head want to explode.  And when will enough be enough?? Will I know??  S would never say he wanted to stop.  He’s just happy for me to do whatever I want.  Though I think he would be upset if I said I didn’t want to do IVF anymore.  But he wouldn’t make me.

I don’t want to stop yet, but I’m scared I wont know when to stop.  If I’m not pg in the next few years will I suddenly wake up and be a 55 year old lady still doing IVF??  No offence to any 55 year old Mums but that’s just not my idea of a life.

I’m tired now, sick of sniffing, injecting, popping pills, watching what I eat and drink, having ‘strangers’ look up my clacker, having ‘strangers’ put things up my clacker, having ‘strangers’ take things out of my clacker, having blood taken and most of all, having NO life outside of IVF.



2 Responses

  1. The Captain? Yikes! Gives the word ‘stranger’ extra meaning 😉 My OB was an IVF dr and he was very strange but lovely. Unless obs are strange by nature (possible, what man would choose obgyn???) we could have the same doc!

    Good luck with calling the clinic anyway. Sometimes jumping in is the worst part when you’ve had your fill of medical people and procedures:(

  2. Now if I could work out how to like my ‘Captain’ post I would. Anyone feel like helping me with that???? (I can link it with the whole address but don’t know how to have a nice, neat little bold heading that just says ‘ The Captain’)

    But for now, for those who want to know why hes ‘strange’ just go to my STORAGE section and the post is one of the last in January.


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