Everyday Reminders

There are just so many reminders of your pregnancy, baby and the life you should be having now but aren’t.

The pregnant people at the shops. They are everywhere.

The babies and toddlers that are just EVERYWHERE.

The baby sales in store catalogs that get left in your letter box.

The phone calls, letters and emails from friends who want to know how you are just before they tell you all about their little one who has just started to crawl, eat solids, become toilet trained, started kindy or cut their first tooth.

The nieces and nephews that you love to death but each time you look at them your heart feels heavy and you have to fight back the tears.

The baby books you brought to make sure it was ‘ normal’ for your hair to fall out through pregnancy and to give you a list of what you ‘can and can’t ‘ eat while pregnant.

Your maternity clothes that hang at one end of your wardrobe. The temptation to try them on sometimes is so strong but you know it will make you sad. 1 – because you don’t have a reason to wear them now and 2 – because there is a slight chance they still might fit you and that thought is just horrible in itself.

The clothes, toys, blankets, bottles, bibs, nappies, baby bath, nappy bucket, cot sheets and rocker you were given the day of your baby shower. There is just so much of it that you cant put it all out of sight. So instead you sit alone and go through it.

The ‘memory box’ the hospital gave you the day you left. Left WITHOUT your baby. The photos they took, his blanket, the clothes you dressed him in once he had been bathed, the left over premi nappies, his hand and foot prints, the hair they cut off for you before they took him away, his name tags and the blue teddy given to him by his 4 year old cousin.

It’s all in a blanket box now with all the other things you got for him. The cards congratulating you on the birth of your son – soon followed by the condolence cards saying how sad it is that hes died. The little box they handed you at the funeral home with his ashes in. So small. You cant work out how your chubby baby could fit in such a small box. Its all under the TV so you cant go through it. Cant sit when your sad and smell his clothes.

But my biggest reminder is the unfinished cot that is under our bed.

I get to look at it each time I walk towards our bedroom.

The cot that our baby will never get to sleep in.

The cot that was made with so much love by his Dad.

The unfinished cot that you hope will one day have a sleeping baby in it.

The cot that will always be a reminder of the little Angel we didn’t get to keep.



4 Responses

  1. Lots of Hugs Babe. I so hear ya on the maternity clothes at the end of the wardrobe thats where mine sit too. I was so tempted to take them back after we lost Chloe but hubby said no……. maybe I should of.

  2. That cot is just stunning. So beautiful – yuour hubby is extremely talented. Here’s wishing that you will have a little one to sleep in it one day not so far away ((hugs))

  3. What a moving, honest post…. x

  4. Treasure your keepsakes forever. I’m sure Zak will love his baby brother or sister to sleep in his cot one day soon hopefully. Thank you for sharing this post, I can relate to your feelings so much ….x

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