My Husband

Thought I would take this moment to tell you all about the other half of me.

S and I will have been married 6 years this August. They have all been very fantastic years, filled with love, IVF, hope, passion, IVF, kindness, more love, IVF, friendship, happiness, IVF, laughter, surprises, more love, a miracle, excitement, panic, more love, disaster, loss, despair, more love, grief, more love, IVF and so it continues ……..

Through all of this I have had a man by my side who is my best friend, the one person I know I can tell anything. The one person who is able to ‘keep me safe’ when times turn to shit.

The person I can be silly with, have fun with and cry with.

S is a VERY kind person. He gets on with everyone. (A good balance for me because I’m a bitch and ‘most’ people give me the shits lol).

He’s one of those people who would do anything for anyone. No questions asked.

Sometimes he comes home from work late, and when I ask where hes been, he tells me of the old man who is a customer of his who he pasted walking home so he stopped to give him a lift. Even though he might have to drive 30 minutes out of his way. He does it without having to think twice.

If anyone needs a hand S is there well before they ever have to ask. And EVERYONE likes him. If we go to a kids play center with friends, S is the one stuck in the slide or drowning in the ball pit, even though hes 6’8 and WAY to big to be playing in there comfortably. But he does it so the other Mum’s don’t have to get up every 5 min of see if their kids are ok.

He will fit in fine if there is a group of us women and hes the only male. Not a problem. He is happy to make sure all at the table are ok and have drinks when they want them and enough salt and pepper.

I often joke that he is ‘so’ sickly nice that he must have just missed out on being gay!

I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t make jokes at how ‘nice’ he is.

I should just be very happy to have a man in my life who is ‘that’ nice. Who does want everyone to be ok, who does care if my friends and family are upset, who does love me no matter what.

I am VERY lucky and I know it.

Lucky to have met a person who’s life for the last 6 years has been making me fell so loved, cared for and his first priority.

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This is an old photo.  But I like it. He does have more hair now, and mine is a different colour this week. But this is us!

Those Who Had Stillborn Babies Still Gave Birth

There are many reasons why many of us don’t have our babies with us.

Zak died 3 days after he was born. A neonatal death.

Many women have m/c, have still born babies, babies that die from neonatal death and SIDS.

I believe that if Zak was not delivered when he was I would have given birth to a still born baby. Many have told me that would have been far better for S and I.

We disagree.

We got to hear him cry, we got to see him with his eyes open, we got to see him move. We had a live baby (if only for 3 days). And we got a birth certificate and a death certificate.

Couples who give birth to still born babies get no recognition that they have given birth to a baby. They receive a death certificate but no birth certificate, even though they did give birth.

Take a look at this and spend a few moments thinking about how this bit of paper could make such a difference to a Mother, Father and family.

Sometimes It Just Hurts

I had to go to the Dr today to get some test results back.

While I was sitting there a lady came in with a girl about 12 in a wheelchair. She had what I would guess was very bad Cerebral Palsy. She couldn’t hold her head up and was making these terrible groaning sounds. And they sat right where I could see them.

All I could think was how sad it is that you can have a baby who looks perfect and they grow up and end up with a life like this.

When we had Zak he looked like he had nothing wrong with him. Once the tubes were out he looked like we should have been taking him home. And seeing this girl today made me feel so sad that her mother left the hospital with a perfect looking baby who now as a child, soon to be teenager, has to live the rest of her life like this.

I have never felt such relief, sadness and guilt in all my life. Relief that we didn’t bring Zak home to live like this, sadness that we didn’t bring him home (he may have been a miracle who might not have been that bad) and guilt that I feel relief when I see children like this.

Sometimes I see young adults at the shops with major problems and think ‘ thankgod we turned everything off, that would have been Zak, we did the right thing’ and then other times I think how weak and horrible a mother I must be because I should have had him like he was and loved and looked after him no matter what.

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Some Of Our Memories

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My Friend Frankie

Frankie - 8 months old

 

Thought I would add another photo of our beautiful dog Frankie.

 

Shes now 8 months old and has truly been the best thing S could have brought home to keep me company.

 

She is a wonderful natured dog though at times shes a little odd. Even our VET said he thinks shes a ‘little out there’. Lol

I Have Been Thinking Of You All

Well its been a little while since I have popped in and written something.

Not like me I know.

I guess I have felt a little down the last few days after reading different blogs.

I have a few I read and I love hearing all the wonderful news you all have to share, but over the last few days some of you have had such bad news and I just found it all a little over whelming. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better and I know telling you all that ‘I’m thinking of you’, ‘I have everything crossed for you’ and ‘not to give up hope’ is almost a cope out.

I hate it when people say to me ‘ don’t worry you will get pg again’. Because you know that its not that simple. And you know that life is not always kind so its just might not happen.

I guess because I have been through the death of a baby I feel like I should have something more meaningful to tell you all. But I don’t. I feel I have nothing to offer other than stupid comments that I know are probably driving you mad.

I do think about you all the time. All of you. Those of you who have good news, those of you who are still trying so hard to to take hold of your dream and those of you who have found your dream but just cant keep hold of it.

With Mother’s Day soon to be knocking at our door I find myself thinking of all the women who who will wake up with that extra pain in their heart. That sick feeling and memories of a baby that should be there, crawling up onto your bed to give you a hand made card.

And these thoughts really makes me feel so powerless and sad.

I went to Hospital on Mothers Day last year and had Zak early the next morning. So for me, Mothers Day is a really sad reminder of not only a Mothers Day with out my little man here but also the start of a few horrible days that will forever be with me.

Mothers day for me is not only a day that was the start to me being a Mum of a live baby but also the end to a new life that S and I so desperately wanted.

No one get me wrong, while this sounds like I’m going through some sad and miserable moments today, I’m not.

Yes I so miss Zak and wish he was here now. But this post is not me having a ‘bad day’.

Its just some thoughts I wanted to get out.

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I’m All Class

I went to the Dr last-night to see if I could get something for my 5 day headache.

I explained that I had just done a IVF cycle and that maybe it was to do with all the hormones. She checked me out but said that the muscles in my neck and shoulders are rock hard and the one’s in my neck are probably going into spasm. This causing the headache.

I told her I didn’t think I was stressed at all but she said with all the IVF cycles and Zak’s dates coming up my head is probably going into overload and I don’t even realise it.

She popped me back on Valium. Last-night I slept from about 8 pm till around 10 am.

Good lord I had a good sleep.

My day consisted of eating weet-bix for breaky, trying to catch a mouse that’s in our house (well I stood on the couch and screamed while S tried to catch it) sitting in my pj’s all day. Eating weet-bix for lunch, having a shower and getting into clean pj’s and due to the fact that S is working tonight I got myself a bowl of baked beans in ham sauce and a glass of wine and a Valium for dinner!

Shit I’m all class!!!!!!