Sometimes It Just Hurts

I had to go to the Dr today to get some test results back.

While I was sitting there a lady came in with a girl about 12 in a wheelchair. She had what I would guess was very bad Cerebral Palsy. She couldn’t hold her head up and was making these terrible groaning sounds. And they sat right where I could see them.

All I could think was how sad it is that you can have a baby who looks perfect and they grow up and end up with a life like this.

When we had Zak he looked like he had nothing wrong with him. Once the tubes were out he looked like we should have been taking him home. And seeing this girl today made me feel so sad that her mother left the hospital with a perfect looking baby who now as a child, soon to be teenager, has to live the rest of her life like this.

I have never felt such relief, sadness and guilt in all my life. Relief that we didn’t bring Zak home to live like this, sadness that we didn’t bring him home (he may have been a miracle who might not have been that bad) and guilt that I feel relief when I see children like this.

Sometimes I see young adults at the shops with major problems and think ‘ thankgod we turned everything off, that would have been Zak, we did the right thing’ and then other times I think how weak and horrible a mother I must be because I should have had him like he was and loved and looked after him no matter what.



4 Responses

  1. Don’t second guess yourself now Brenda. You are no less of a mum for doing what you had to do for Zac. In fact, I have never had to make such an important or compassionate decision for my kids. The amount of love it took for you to do what you did when it would have been easier to hold on to him is immeasurable. You packed in more than a lifetime of mothering in those few short days. It just sucks that you ever had to be such an amazing mum at all. The rest of us get chance after chance to stuff up – you had to make it perfect straight up. (((hugs)))

  2. Oh B – you are so honest, so raw – it hurts me any of us even have to think these things.

    Much love to you x

  3. Thanks girls.

    I do know deep down we did the right thing ‘for Zak’.
    Its just that sometimes I feel like I wish we had been a little more selfish and brought him home. (God that sounds terrible) But I know thats horrible to think like that and it would have been no life for him.
    I guess while they are babies and look perfect you forget about changing the nappy of a 30 year old. Or trying to bath, dress and feed a 50 year old while I’m in my 80’s looking for someone to dress and feed me.

  4. It is such a hard time, you are stressed, you are tired, you are sore, you are in a different world thinking is this really happening to us and then you have to make these life changing decisions. It’s not fair and now that you have had the time and clear headed moments to think about it all you always doubt if you made the right decision or not, I feel for you, I feel with you. No-one should ever have to make that decision – it’s the worst thing in the world. Hugs.

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