The Pharmacist Knows Best

Since going off ALL my pills, potions, drugs, and needles I have been playing war games with my face and the wonderful acne that has decided to take over.

I thought I was suppose to have these problems while on all the hormones. Not once I stopped them, and not this long after. It’s been driving me mad.

A few weeks ago I was watching TV and the show had a lady from the US on who deals in skin care. She talked about sunscreen, makeup, wrinkle cream and acne cream.

She talked about how we cover our face in all terrible ingredients to try and get rid of our spots and dots, we put tea tree oil on …. Feel it buzz and think ‘ G that must be working, I can feel it!

Her answer to the problem of pimples was Benzac. I had never heard of it. She talked about how it really was the only thing that truly worked unless you went on prescription medication.

So off I trot down to my local chemist. Ask where I will find me some of this magic stuff.

The girl – who had the most gorgeous skin, looked like she had never seen a spot in her life, beautiful olive flawless skin – took me over to the Benzac.

She suggested I try the face wash first. Its not as hard on your face as the cream. You was it off so its not on your skin for hours. If that doesn’t work then the 2.5% gel would do the trick. I see the 5% and ask about it. ‘No don’t try that yet. That’s for extreme cases and you will find the wash will be enough. If not, come and get the 2.5% gel’.

She tells me there is a even stronger gel but there is no way I should put that anywhere near my face. She leaves, and I take the 5%!

I get home and read about how you should put it on and then wash it off after 2 hours for the first few days until you see how your face reacts. Then try it once per day for a few days and if your skin copes and your spots are really bad you can up to twice a day.


So I wack it on my face that night, don’t wash it off and after my shower the next day, wack some more on.

I do the ‘twice per day’ thing for about 4 days. I want these spots and dots gone. (Even though by this stage my spots and dots had just about cleared up themselves)

Come day 4 my face is FALLING OFF!!!!

My face (not just the little spots and dots I applied the gel to) is covered in little red lumps that are filled with clear fluid …….. Little blisters. My face is swollen, red raw. And itches like you would not believe. I cant stop scratching. My sister tells me I look like I have had my wisdom teeth out. (It is starting to look better now, but I have not used the cream for about 4 days)

I go to the chemist and get myself some Phenergan tablets to take the itch away. Phenergan is an antihistamine but I do have it in my medicine box as a sleep medication. I only ever have one and only at night. The chemist tells me just to take one because that makes me sleepy at night and as its the middle of the day I need to be able to function.

But I want the itching to stop so I take 2. Within 20 minutes I’m spastic. Siting in our lounge room, staring at the wall, body heavy. Can’t even think straight. I feel like I weigh 400 kgs. I go to bed and sleep for hours (yes the itching has stopped) but even when I wake up I’m rooted for the rest of the day. Walking around with my arms dragging on the ground like some caveman.

I did however learn one very important thing from all of this ………. Pharmacists go to uni for a very important reason. Due to the years they have been at uni, the information they give you should be listened to and followed VERY carefully.

My 10 years in Child-Care just does not qualify me to disregard what they or the back of the packet says!

Am I Going Mad & Just Don’t Know It??

I was watching TV last night.  I cant even remember what I was watching because I wasn’t REALLY watching it.  Just sitting there.

From no where came this deep panic.  I felt sick, anxious and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

My baby is dead!  I have a dead baby!  He’s not coming back, and even if I am lucky enough to have another baby I will still feel SO sad!

I know Zak is gone.  I know he’s dead.  But he’s REALLY dead! 

I cant describe the panic that came over me.  I wanted to vomit, my head/face got all hot and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I was like some mad women who was walking around the house not knowing what I should do next.  I was actually scared at how big that big pit in my gut was.

In saying all of this I had not had my ‘happy pills’ for a few days.  Yes I know we have been here before.  Yes I know I said I would never just stop them again.  But I honestly just forgot.  Through the day I did feel a little unhinged.  I kept telling myself that I needed to get back on them.  I just forgot.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels like this, or its just my brains way of coping (please those who have gone through a loss let me know what you think about what I’m saying here) but I don’t think about Zak being dead very often.  But I DO think about him all the time.

Its not that I ‘think’ hes still here.  I haven’t gone that mad yet.  But when I think about being pg, going to hospital, having him, being transferred, seeing him in NICU, my thoughts just seem to stop there.  I don’t really think about what happened after that. 

Its not that I don’t remember much of it.  I remember it all.  Its not that I’m in denial.  I know hes dead.

But as long as I don’t think about him being dead and not here anymore I seem to cope fine.

If anyone IRL heard me talking with family and friends about Zak they would have no idea he wasn’t alive.  He comes up in everyday conversation ALL the time.  Just like he is still here.

I’m guessing this is why I don’t sit around upset all day.  Everyone tells me I’m coping so well.  But am I?  Or am I just not thinking about it so I don’t have a reason to get upset?

I often wonder if I will snap one day, a light bulb will go off and that panic will take over and I will go mad.


A Beautiful Candle & A Gift From My Mum & Dad

My Mum & Dad gave S and I something very special for Zak’s birthday.

I think they were both worried it would upset us. But it didn’t. We thought it was lovely that they found something so beautiful to acknowledge Zak.

It was a pewter swan protecting a baby boy in her wing.

It really is beautiful and we have added it to our collection of things on display around Zak’s photo in our lounge room.

The Swan

Something else I wanted to share with you all was a candle I had made for S and I for Zak’s birthday.

The candle was made by Susan at – Susan’s Personalised Candles . I have had many candles made by her to give to friends who have lost babies or had m/c but I thought it was time we had one made for ourselves.

She does a wonderful job and it is so special to have something like this you can put on display. This was the first time I have had a candle made with a photo added to it and S and I are really happy with it.

So if anyone has been looking for something different to give as a gift or to have at home for themselves,  I highly recommend you taking a look at Susan’s web site. She has many designs/art work, fonts and colours that can be put on a candle if you don’t have a photo to add and you are able to take a look at the front and back of the candle before she makes it up so if you want any changes made it can be done.





The photos I have taken in NO way show you just how beautiful this candle is, but it does give you some idea on Susan’s work.

The last Of ‘The Firsts’ & Goodbye To A Shitty Week

Firstly I want to thank all of you for your very kind support, wishes and love for S, Zak and I over this very hard last week. I have to say that once Zak’s 1st birthday was over I felt a little relief and then exhaustion took over and all I wanted to do was sleep. That night I went to bed early and never moved an inch or woke until the next morning. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

Anyway back to the details.

The day of Zak’s birthday (15 th May) we went to Mum and Dads, met up with all the family and then headed off to the lookout where we scattered his ashes.

Some friends of Mum and Dads has sent us a beautiful bunch of flowers with a blue teddy so we took the flowers down with us to throw in the water. (We will pop the teddy in Zak’s box of memories).

Zak’s 1st Birthday

We took some 1st birthday blue balloons with us. We gave each of my nieces a balloon each to give to Zak (or keep if they wanted – didn’t want any tears) and we let them all go. Miss 5 and Miss 3 were both very happy to part with their balloons and both yelled out ‘Happy Birthday’ to Zak as they let theirs go.

Zak’s 1st Birthday

Zak’s 1st Birthday

After that we went down to some picnic tables and got fish&chips and just had dinner together. It was really nice and we were there for ages. Where we let the balloons go was VERY windy but once we moved down to the picnic tables it was really nice. It wasn’t ‘sad’ or ‘morbid’ or anything like that. I was determined it wasn’t going to turn into a really depressing arvo/night. My head just wouldn’t cope with that.

The next day (S’s birthday) S, Frankie and I headed off for a few days. We went to a little town called Dunoon. Inland of Byron Bay. Just beautiful. But when I say ‘little’ I mean VERY little. It had a General Store, mechanic, Aust Post and a VERY small Club where you could get meals. There was also a church and S and I found it very amusing as it was ‘for sale’. We wondered what ‘GOD’ would do with his money and would he make a profit. 🙂

The house we stayed in was very old. Built in 1899. But it had been really looked after and the gardens were just beautiful.


Frankie had a wonderful time in the VERY red dirt. I think S had a nice birthday. He didn’t mention it much so other than saying ‘Happy birthday’ to him (I had given him his gifts a few days before) I just kept quiet about it. That’s what he wanted so that’s what we did. We did go out for dinner and it was nice to be in a place where no one knew you or what had happened. There was a fire place and it was nice and cold there so we had a nice time just relaxing and keeping warm.


We headed home yesterday. It was 1 year since Zak died. We called into the lookout again with more balloons. A little boy was there with his Mum and Nana watching us so we gave him a balloon, tied it around his wrist. I didn’t want him upset because we had balloons and he didn’t and we were just ‘throwing’ ours away.

We had a nice bunch of all different blue balloons. It was SO windy that when we let them go they headed off towards the trees and then over the huge hill that’s there.



Now I didn’t want Zak’s very special best friends not having any balloons so we let a pink balloon go for Chloe. It was windy and we did have trouble keeping the balloon still so I could take a pic for you Sharon.



And a pink one each for Houdini, Grover, Piper and a blue one for Laine.



I’m so glad the week is over.

I feel a little more at ease maybe? Calm? I don’t know. I feel a little less ‘something’.

Happy Birthday Zak – 15 May 2007

Happy Birthday beautiful boy.

Your 1st birthday.

We have missed out on so much. You cuddles, watching you crawl, your giggles, hearing your first words and many other very important things.

We wish you were in our arms every day. We smile and cry when we think about you.

I know you know just how much you are loved.


Big cuddles and kisses

Your Mummy and Daddy


*This is just for you – click here*

Twelve Months Since It All Turned To Shit

Well this time last year I had just walked into the hospital after not feeling Zak move much for a day and within 20 min of being there I went into labor.  BANG! Contractions 3 min apart.

I feel a little ……… Ummmm ‘off’ is not the right word and either is ‘foggy’ …….. Maybe just numb?

S is home for the next week and tomorrow would have been Zak’s 1st birthday.

We are going away tomorrow and wont be home for about a week.

When we get home I will post some photos that we will take tomorrow down at the beach where we scattered Zak’s ashes.

I will be thinking of you all over the next week and I will catch up on all your posts when we get home.

It’s Mothers Day – The First For Me

Mother’s Day is a very happy day for ‘most’.

It’s the day lots of women live for. Having that cute little person crawl into bed with you in the morning. Getting that home made card given to you. It’s suppose to be so special.

For many of us though its a horrid reminder that our little ones will not be crawling into bed with us. For others there will be little ones joining them in the morning but there will be the sad reminder that someone is missing.

And for those who have yet to jump to the ‘other side’ there are thoughts of ‘ will I ever get to have a Mother’s Day’.

Today is a sad day for many of us. The reminder of a baby that didn’t get to stay is horrible and devastating. Most will wish the day would just slip by without slapping us in the face.

BUT although your babies are not in your arms, they are in your hearts.

Although they are not crawling into your bed, that doesn’t mean you are any less a Mum. Today is my first Mother’s Day. I may not have Zak with me but I am a Mum and I’m lucky to be able to say that.

I want to wish all those Mum’s out there who are sharing their beds today with extra little people a wonderful Mother’s Day.

I want to wish those who have lost their beautiful bubs a happy Mother’s Day. I hope just the thought that you ARE a Mum can bring a little smile to your face.

And to those who are yet to be Mums, I want to say I understand how hard today is, but I’m sure one day you will be sharing Mother’s Day with a little person, with sticky fingers and dirty toes. A little person who will have made you a beautiful home made card and taking up far more room in your bed than they really need.






My Mothers Day

Just wanted to share with you all my morning.

Scott gave me a beautiful card that he had written in for Zak.

I also got the most wonderful gift.  Scott & Zak got me a Willow Tree figurine called ‘Angel Of Mine’.  Its a Mother holding a new born.  The name of it just fits perfectly for Zak and I.

Willow Tree ‘ Angel Of Mine’

Thanks For Thinking Of Me

Every so often, just out of the blue someone will send/say something to you that reminds you they care. That they are thinking of you and the things you have gone through.

I would like to share with you all a poem that was sent to me today.  Sent to me by someone who I have never met. (IRL)  Someone who made me smile because they thought of S and I. Knew how horrible this week would be, and wanted us to know they cared.

“When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel, and flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow. A bird gives the message back to the world and sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry. People disappear, but they never really go away.

The spirits up there put the sun to bed, wake up the grass and spin the earth in dizzy circles. Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the daytime when they’re supposed to be sleeping.

They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets and make waves splash and tug at the tide. They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes. And when they sing windsongs, they whisper to us, don’t miss me to much. The view is nice and I’m doing fine.”

Thankyou ‘C’ for the poem and taking the time to send it to me.  It is a beautiful poem.  You reminded me just how important it is to have you all here to support me when I’m having a crappy week.

In Memory Of Your Baby

When Zak died I was desperate for something to have that reminded me of him all the time.  Something that I could have with me all the time.  It’s not because I thought I would forget, I will never forget him.  But I just needed something special.

S and I were at the shops one day and passing a jeweler.  (My favorite kind of shop :/ )

And there we saw it.  Just what I wanted/needed.

S ordered me a Pandora bracelet with Zak’s name on it.  It was perfect and something that was just a perfect reminder of Zak everyday.

The week my bracelet arrived I also got a package from a VERY special person with a beautiful charm in it.  A silver heart with Zak’s initials on it, joined to another smaller heart with a set of tiny feet on it with a emerald green crystal hanging from it.

It was a perfect fit and match for my ‘ ZAK’ bracelet.

The other day I ordered a charm from the ‘ Remember Our Baby’s ‘ website.  (A wonderful site I might add.  Many wonderful things can be brought from them.  We have a ‘Proud Parents Of A Angel’ sticker on the back of our car).

Anyway my ‘angel box’ charm turned up yesterday and I took a photo of my bracelet for you all to see.

Its a bit fuzzy and I’m not sure if you can see Zak’s name on the charms of not.

But I love it and if any of you were looking for an idea of something to get in memory of your bubs its a beautiful idea.


Blue Balloons For My Angel

Well with Zak’s birthday running towards me fast soon to hit me smack bang in the face (that’s how it feels) I thought I would go and find some balloons to take down to Burleigh on the day of his birthday.

I didn’t want to leave it till the day just in case they don’t have any blue balloons with the number ‘one’ left, so I brought them all today (they are very cute) and we will just get them filled with helium on his birthday.

For anyone who doesn’t really know me well, I’m just a little bit organised! 

When we let them off I will make sure I take some photos to show you all.

Fingers crossed its a nice day.  Only 7 days till another ‘ first’ comes knocking at our door.