Am I Going Mad & Just Don’t Know It??

I was watching TV last night.  I cant even remember what I was watching because I wasn’t REALLY watching it.  Just sitting there.

From no where came this deep panic.  I felt sick, anxious and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

My baby is dead!  I have a dead baby!  He’s not coming back, and even if I am lucky enough to have another baby I will still feel SO sad!

I know Zak is gone.  I know he’s dead.  But he’s REALLY dead! 

I cant describe the panic that came over me.  I wanted to vomit, my head/face got all hot and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I was like some mad women who was walking around the house not knowing what I should do next.  I was actually scared at how big that big pit in my gut was.

In saying all of this I had not had my ‘happy pills’ for a few days.  Yes I know we have been here before.  Yes I know I said I would never just stop them again.  But I honestly just forgot.  Through the day I did feel a little unhinged.  I kept telling myself that I needed to get back on them.  I just forgot.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels like this, or its just my brains way of coping (please those who have gone through a loss let me know what you think about what I’m saying here) but I don’t think about Zak being dead very often.  But I DO think about him all the time.

Its not that I ‘think’ hes still here.  I haven’t gone that mad yet.  But when I think about being pg, going to hospital, having him, being transferred, seeing him in NICU, my thoughts just seem to stop there.  I don’t really think about what happened after that. 

Its not that I don’t remember much of it.  I remember it all.  Its not that I’m in denial.  I know hes dead.

But as long as I don’t think about him being dead and not here anymore I seem to cope fine.

If anyone IRL heard me talking with family and friends about Zak they would have no idea he wasn’t alive.  He comes up in everyday conversation ALL the time.  Just like he is still here.

I’m guessing this is why I don’t sit around upset all day.  Everyone tells me I’m coping so well.  But am I?  Or am I just not thinking about it so I don’t have a reason to get upset?

I often wonder if I will snap one day, a light bulb will go off and that panic will take over and I will go mad.