Am I Going Mad & Just Don’t Know It??

I was watching TV last night.  I cant even remember what I was watching because I wasn’t REALLY watching it.  Just sitting there.

From no where came this deep panic.  I felt sick, anxious and an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

My baby is dead!  I have a dead baby!  He’s not coming back, and even if I am lucky enough to have another baby I will still feel SO sad!

I know Zak is gone.  I know he’s dead.  But he’s REALLY dead! 

I cant describe the panic that came over me.  I wanted to vomit, my head/face got all hot and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I was like some mad women who was walking around the house not knowing what I should do next.  I was actually scared at how big that big pit in my gut was.

In saying all of this I had not had my ‘happy pills’ for a few days.  Yes I know we have been here before.  Yes I know I said I would never just stop them again.  But I honestly just forgot.  Through the day I did feel a little unhinged.  I kept telling myself that I needed to get back on them.  I just forgot.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels like this, or its just my brains way of coping (please those who have gone through a loss let me know what you think about what I’m saying here) but I don’t think about Zak being dead very often.  But I DO think about him all the time.

Its not that I ‘think’ hes still here.  I haven’t gone that mad yet.  But when I think about being pg, going to hospital, having him, being transferred, seeing him in NICU, my thoughts just seem to stop there.  I don’t really think about what happened after that. 

Its not that I don’t remember much of it.  I remember it all.  Its not that I’m in denial.  I know hes dead.

But as long as I don’t think about him being dead and not here anymore I seem to cope fine.

If anyone IRL heard me talking with family and friends about Zak they would have no idea he wasn’t alive.  He comes up in everyday conversation ALL the time.  Just like he is still here.

I’m guessing this is why I don’t sit around upset all day.  Everyone tells me I’m coping so well.  But am I?  Or am I just not thinking about it so I don’t have a reason to get upset?

I often wonder if I will snap one day, a light bulb will go off and that panic will take over and I will go mad.



6 Responses

  1. Yeah, I know what you mean! I am constantly marvelling at my ability to ignore hugely traumatic stuff. Then I remember it a bit, get all panicky and I switch off again. People have said in the past that what you went through is pretty normal. Your baby is dead. WTF? How did that happen? And how can you be expected to just deal with it all at once? So you have these moments where you get a quick look at the entire disaster and then go back to the way you were previously coping. I guess the natural progression is that one day you will be able to process it all but until then you get these little flashes to prepare you for that day.

    So no, I don’t think you are going crazy. I mean really, what reaction is sane when your baby dies? Who the hell has the right to say anyway?

  2. I find that I cherish and remember the living moments with Luke and block out the time when he passed and that keeps me going. I sometimes feel like it didn’t even happen and we are still waiting to pick him up from the hospital even after two years. It will never be right and there are no rules for how you feel or act when it comes to the death of a child, you never expect for them to leave this world before you. No one will understand how you are truly feeling unless they have experienced it and then it is never exactly the same, we are all different, thank goodness. Just be good to yourselves. Hugs.

  3. Brenda! You are so not gong crazy. It’s just the grief…and I have had that exact same experience of feeling the terror and panic. I swear, exactly the same. And in the past, I just shoved it down and didn’t deal with it. It’s so huge and so painful that I can’t deal with all of it at one time. But, the thing with that is that now it’s all coming out. I feel worse now, than I did at the times of my losses. So, I guess the grief just comes out whether we want it to or not? It is true that everyone deals with it differently. There is no right way. I am impressed with the way you honor your son and include him in conversations. I am trying to figure my own way to honor my girls and you really are an inspiration to me. I can see in the words here, a woman of great strength, kindness and compassion. You will be o.k., I am sure of it. And if there are days that you do feel crazy, just know that I have had those days and I imagine many other women reading this blog have had them too.

  4. I know I’m in a totally different part of the grief but I talk about my little girl like she’s not gone (even though she died the day she was to be born). I talk about “when I was pregnant” this and that and how she moved and what I felt then…people who don’t know what happened would never guess I was referring to my dead daughter. I don’t really think about her being dead at all. And when I do, I seem so far away from it. I feel closer to her by talking about her life
    *hugs* thanks for commenting on my blog People say stupid things and because I have a playgroup for Aiden, most of my friends are mommies and they don’t know their being insensitive, but it hurts. And it sucks that I can’t be around them sometimes and I’m awed by how lonely I feel in this process.
    I swear I hear an echo sometimes

  5. and I just realized I typed “their” instead of “they’re” –I’m not usually so dense

  6. Oh B, you’re not going crazy… that’s why I practice the avoidance mechanism, because if I let myself really realise they are gone I don’t think I’ll cope, that pit will swallow me whole…. x

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