Pissed Off For Just A Moment – But I Will Get Over It

Do you ever feel like you give and give and give and never ask for anything in return, and thats a good thing because your probably not going to get anything back?

You try and be a good friend. Worry how others are going. Check on people who you know have had the same kind of crap deal as you. Be happy for them when they are ‘doing well’ and be there for them when they aren’t.

Ok, so I’m not the nicest person in the world. I’m impatient, easily pissed off, normally say what I think and sometimes blurt out what I think before I have fully thought about what I’m saying (I will probably feel like this about this post after I have added it). But in general I do try and be a ‘good friend’, there for others, happy to hear others good and bad news, check on ‘friends’ who I know are having a shit time and in general, I hope that just sometimes I say something that makes others feel a little better.

But sometimes, maybe just once, I would like a little bit of it back. No I’m not there for others so they can be there or me. I have come to realise that some people, although they have experienced some really shitty times like S and I, just cant truly be there for anyone else. And that’s fine. But it doesn’t make it any less upsetting.

Sometimes I just feel so crappy about everything and would love for someone to just ask me ‘how I’m doing’. Without me having to have a cry,vent, carry on and tantrum first.

I think its just knowing that someone else who knows how your feeling, knows what’s its like to feel so alone, cares.  Because no matter how many of us go through this, I guess we all feel and cope differently, but we still understand each other.   There are a few in my life that are supportive.  They know who they are.  But then there are others who are just truly draining.  I want to be there for them, but they make it so hard.  I find it hard, so god knows how their family and friends cope.  Those around them who don’t understand how they are feeling.

When Zak died, many of our friends dropped us. Just disappeared. I really, truly believe that I have gone out of my way to make Zak dying and being around me VERY easy. So to have your RL friends just drop out of your life is hard. In saying that though I guess I do understand. They don’t know what to say and they cant make things better.

I guess that’s why I sometimes feel so alone and let down by those who do know how it all feels.

I know everyone needs to look after themselves. And maybe that’s all some can do. It just hurts though. I have just about given all I have.

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6 Responses

  1. Did something happen?

  2. I feel ya. *hugs* It’s hard when you invest in people and never see a return on that investment.
    I have just learned to let these people go-which is hard for me because I’m not so good at the friendship thing to begin with. Hang in there.

  3. B, I’ve learned that you can only give so much – some people will just take it with no thought to you.

    You are the kindest, most caring person I know, and deserve more than this.

    *hugs*

  4. I am sorry that someone has made you feel this way for you to write this post. They honestly don’t deserve your friendship if they make you feel this way. I understand completely what you are writing and I could’ve almost written the words myself. From what I have learned from reading your posts and your wonderful comments on our sites you are a caring, considerate, strong, sensitive, loving wife, mother and friend so anyone that makes you feel less than that isn’t worthy. Hugs to make you feel better and I hope your cold has gone too.

  5. Hi Brenda
    We to lost friends after we lost our girls. Its true that tragedy lets you know who you can really count on. Some people are just too absorbed in their own lives.

    You deserve so much happiness, I hope something wonderful is just around the corner..

    (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

    Elaine

  6. I could have written the words you wrote here, Brenda. I have experienced the same thing with friends and family. Really I am almost totally alone in dealing with this (other than you ladies in blogland). A few people did stick around, and those are the real, true friendships. It sure makes you appreciate them, doesn’t it? I’m sorry you’re feeling badly about it all. It’s not fair. Surely, losing our babies is difficult enough, without throwing this on top. Take care!

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