How Fast The Madness Can Take Over

Girls I just wanted to thankyou all for your messages to my last post.

I have to admit I did have a rather hysterical major meltdown yesterday afternoon/lastnight.

I think I may have gone a little mad at the thought Zak may have been in pain before he was born.

‘Missingone’ please don’t worry about your comment.  I did already know that maconium was a sign of stress.  Plus I’m a big believer in ‘if you don’t want to know the truth, don’t ask’.  And I asked.  🙂

So my meltdown went from major panic, to crying and panic, to walking around in circles like a mad women, to getting on the phone and calling the maternity ward at one of the major hospitals where I calmly asked to speak to a midwife.  I was put through to 3 different departments where I finally ended up being asked ‘what I wanted if I wasn’t pg’.

I then started to explain calmly.  That turned into me crying, then turned into me screaming.  Then I was put on hold so I ended up hanging up because I had completely lost the plot and couldn’t talk anyway.  Walked around in circles some more, emailed about 5 online midwives all over the world, cried some more.  Got into the shower where I cried more, vomited a little and completely tired myself out.  S came home to me looking like someone had died.  (oh that’s right, someone had)

Other than a major headache and feeling stupid today, I’m kinda better.  Funny how things seem SO much worse at night.

I’m shocked at a few things.  Shocked that it had never occurred to me Zak could have been in pain before he was born.  We asked over and over in those 3 days he was with us if he was in pain but just never thought about before he was born.  Also shocked how quickly my madness crept up behind me and took hold, and that’s without forgetting my ‘happy pills’.

I still feel really terrible about the thought Zak might have been in pain.  You are all right though, I will never know.

Anyway thankyou all for your support.  Hope my post didn’t drag any of you into my ‘little black hole’.


2 Responses

  1. I’m So so sorry sweetie. I’m crying so hard for you right now. My heart just breaks for you. I wonder too if My Zach felt any pain before he passed. I know my Zach was only 15 weeks along and I never got to see or hold him but it’s Constantly in the back of my mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. What are blogs for! I am pleased you are feeling better now and I do wish we could get the answers we are looking for. It will never be fair or understood. Hugs.

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