My Real Thoughts On Us Having Another Baby

You know that feeling you have when you first decide your going to try for a baby?  That excitement, full of ideas, hopes and day dreams of what it will be like to be a mum.  It never occurs to you that it won’t happen.  Its just something that you decide to do and a few months later your pregnant.  Then things don’t go to plan and you find out you need to do IVF.  That first few cycles you do are filled with the same hope, dreams and feelings of excitement.

Well for me that’s all gone.

These thoughts have nothing to do with me feeling like this cycle is not going to work, they are just my thoughts in general on how I feel about having another baby.  These are feelings and thoughts that seemed to sneak up on me many cycles ago, I just cant really remember when.

You see, I no longer sit there and think about having a baby at home.  I don’t wonder about what it will be like to be pregnant again.  I don’t have daydreams about me playing with a toddler anymore.  I just really cant see us having a another pregnancy, let alone a living child.

The odd thing is, I don’t have these thoughts when I’m feeling really sad, depressed or panicked about the IVF.  They are there all the time.  If someone was to ask me, ‘Do you think you will have another baby’? My answer is no.  I really don’t think we will be lucky enough to get pregnant again.

So why do I keep doing IVF?  Because I really want to be pregnant again and have a baby at home to love and care for.  Do I think it will happen? No I don’t.  I really think the chances are so very slim. 

When I do a IVF cycle there is no longer the excitement when it starts, but there is also no longer the devastation when it doesn’t work.  Not because I don’t care if it works, but because I realise well before I start the cycle that it probably wont.

So with each cycle I just go through the motions.  Bt’s, scans, needles, pills, support up the clacker, EPU’s, transfers, more needles, pills and bt’s.  Then comes the negative result and I move right on to the next cycle and do it all again.  Without any real thought.  I think thats kinda odd.

IVF has become like a boring job I do each day that I don’t really like but I do it because it is the only way we will have another baby.  It probably wont happen, but it is our only chance.

I’m not upset, having a melt down or anything while I type this.  Its just how it is.  I have no idea how long we will keep doing IVF.  I want to keep doing it until we have a healthy baby at home with us, but because I don’t think that will happen, does that mean I will do this forever??

I always wanted 4 children, and I wanted to be finished before I was 30.  I’m 31 now and have a beautiful boy.  But hes not healthy, living with us.  Hes not even alive.  Now I will be happy to have one living child before I’m 35, and then get on with life.  I don’t want to be doing IVF when I’m 40.  No offence to anyone who is, its just not for me.  But then nothing has gone to plan so far so who knows, I just might be 45 still trying to have that healthy living little person. 

When I read this back, it doesn’t upset me, worry me, panic me or make me cry.  I feel nothing.  And that my friends is what worries me the most.


7 Responses

  1. I finally managed to figure out how to log in to wordpress again, it was giving me a hard time and I had given up for a while.

    Since I am not in your shoes I really can’t give you any feedback that is based on personal experience. But I do think that what you are feeling sounds understandable and not unhealthy.

    I wish you the best of luck with the IVF and hope that you will be pregnant again.


  2. Brenda, I know this is really hard and I understand where you’re at going through the cycles (i.e. not getting excited or getting your hopes up). I don’t know if it will make you feel any better, but I think the fact that you can conceive and carry a baby (safely) is a very positive thing. I know it’s hard to think of it like that when the cycles don’t work, but they have in the past and that’s what I’m holding onto, for you.

    Nothing for me has gone to plan either. I planned to have my 4 kids before I was 36 and I’m now 37 and if I get one living baby, I will consider myself the luckiest person ever. It’s not fair and it shouldn’t be like this for me or you or any of us. Loss is more than enough trauma, without having IF to deal with too.

    I know someone here who has had a really good response with DHEA…I don’t know if you would think of taking that, but it might help. I’m hoping for good news on Friday for you.

    Meg @ the.para.graph

  3. I have tears rolling down my face – I swear you jumped inside my head, read my thoughts EXACTLY, then put them on your blog. x

  4. Brenda I could have written that post myself not so long ago. Your heart needs to find a way to protect itself and thats what it is doing. After our 4th or 5th IVF cycle (can’t remember which one) I too used to wonder why I was doing IVF I had a terrible response and hadn’t even looked close to getting a BFP. I was in no doubt that it wasn’t going to work, but I was still going to keep going and throw more money at it… Go figure?? I know your future hasn’t turned out how you expected, but I still pray that one day you will get to hold a beautiful healthy baby in your arms that will make your heart burst with love… Hugs xo

  5. I have no words but my heart is aching for you. I so wish life wasn’t so cruel. Wishing you so much luck for Friday’s results. Thinking of you.

  6. Thinking of you sweetness!! Trust me it doesn’t get any easier when your on the other side of 35, so I can so relate.
    Good luck tomorrow.

  7. Have nothing to say that is any more helpful than that popular picture of a kitten just barely hanging on to a tree trunk with the caption ‘Just hang in there’. I know it doesn’t mean much.

    Thinking of you though and best of luck for results.

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