Some Just Dont Think

I really have been putting off posting what I’m about to say as I don’t know who reads my blog and really don’t want to upset anyone or make them feel bad.  BUT ……..  I have been going over it in my head everyday for a couple of weeks now and I just need to get it out.
My family has always talked about Zak like hes an important member of our family.  Everyone in my family have photos up of him around the house and that’s how it should be.  He is S and my first baby.  He is our son and any children we go on to have will know him as their older brother. My brother and sisters kids talk about him all the time.
On a couple of occasions though there has been a comment made (I’m not sure how to put this with out dobbing in family members who are not from my side of the family so I guess I just wont try ha ha) that make me feel like some don’t class him as a baby, let alone a family member.  I try and let comments like this go and not think about them too much but they hurt.  Like I said though, there has only been a couple.  I’m 100% sure that those who made the comments not only didn’t mean to upset me but probably didn’t even think about what they were saying.
The other day while talking to ‘a family member’ the topic of ‘bub #2’ came up.  The thing is, this family members comments were ‘ I cant wait for this baby to be born.  It will be my FIRST ___ ‘ (Have edited out that bit so its not so obvious who I’m talking about)
This baby is not going to be their ‘FIRST ______ ‘.  Bub will be their second.  Zak is their first!  I know they probably just didn’t think, but its not the first time a comment like this has been said to me.  These comments have not even been made by the same person.  Two people on two different occasions have made this kind of comment.
I know I am just being silly and no one has meant to hurt me but these kind of comments actually make me sick to the stomach.
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6 Responses

  1. I don’t think you’re being silly at all, that’s a really hurtful kind of comment to make. People SHOULD think. It SHOULD be automatic for them to consider Zak their first ______. You’re so lucky with your own family, that’s exactly as it SHOULD be.

  2. You are not being silly, you are being Zak’s Mummy! It sux that we have to fight to have our babies recognised, and remembered at times. I’m glad your family talks about him and remembers him so frequently, thats so sweet.

    Have you tried telling these people, “actually this baby is your second___, Zak is your first.” Or something like “This baby will be the first___ you get to have here and do things with, but that doesn’t mean they are your first___, Zak was” Then at least you will have expressed how you feel.

  3. Those comments are hard, I’m sure. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. I agree with Joleen on what to say. I think, sometimes, we just have to put it out there, you might be suprised at what a nice response you may receive! Hang in there!

  4. Well of course it hurts and I understand why. May I say how much I loved meeting and gazing at your gorgeous boy and his video got a much needed sob out of me. I am suprised and saddened that you get the same dumb ass reaction as many of us stillbirth mums do. Because no one gets to see our babies breathe or there little eyes open, bodies move or face animate in whatever way..it can be very hard to have that ‘life’ acknowledged by certain folk. I would have thought all your ‘people around you’ would “get it” because he was alive for even a short time. As my husband and I say if we had ‘brought him home for a week and then lost him’ would those dummies get in a bit better. hmmm maybe not. take care x

  5. I hear ya, at least your family acknowledge Zak, mine have never spoken about her, thought about her nothing!! And to be honest I don’t think they ever will.

  6. My family is like Shazz’s. I don’t think they even remember the twins anymore.

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