Protected: Pink

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The Password

I have had a few email’s over the last week asking me for the password to my protected posts.
Once again I just want to say that I have no problem with anyone reading them.  They are simply password protected so those who DON’T want to read my pg updates do have them in their face every time they open my blog.
For those who would like to read the updates the password is – sunshine

Protected: Small Update

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Well Frankie has caught another frog only this time when S went to let it go he got more than he bargained for!  I’m just glad it was him and not me.  I would have gone mad.  🙂  We have no idea how to stop her catching them.
Oh and hes not missing a arm/hand, its just under him.  Frankie did not eat it!

A Challenge For You All

I have a challenge for you all.
I challenge all the lurkers to de lurk!
Each day I see how many visits my blog gets and I cant believe that there are that many people out there reading my posts with no opinion on what I’m saying. So if your out there and reading my thoughts, I would love to hear from you.
It would also give me the chance to find some new blogs to read. I love hunting through everyone’s ‘blog rolls’ to find and share others stories. I must admit that most I read are VERY sad but its always nice to know others are out there who know just how I’m feeling. So come out from hiding. 🙂

Such A Sad And Horrible Dream

I had the most horrible dream last night. It really upset me and even once I was awake I took a long time to shake that sad and horrible feeling.
In my dream I was sitting outside the NICU and there was a Mum there with a baby in a portable bed. Her baby had been taken off its ventilator and they were waiting for him ‘get his wings’. The problem was she had him in the bed and was just sitting there looking at him but refusing to hold him. I felt sick that this little baby was going to die in his bed when he should have been being cuddled by his Mum, anyone. I asked her if I could have a cuddle. She said that was fine but that she couldn’t bring herself to touch him. All I could think was how he needed to be loved and cuddled in his last few hours/minutes. He needed his Mum and I felt so sorry for him and for her. I kept telling her she wouldn’t be able to get this time back and that later on she will wish she had been the one cuddling him when he died.
It was so sad and it really rattled me. I know lots of women find it hard to get photos and spend time with their babies when they are dying. I know its a very personal choice and I know some just don’t cope and many are not thinking clearly. I was cuddling Zak when he died. He wasn’t alone and I know he knows he was loved. I know that when a Mum cant hold her dying baby it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him/her.  I know she cares and loves her baby as much as any other Mum.
It was just a really sad dream and I feel terrible to think there are Mums out there going through this every day.

Protected: Night Time Hospital Visit – All Is Ok – Ob Update

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Protected: No Gestational Diabetes – She’s Just Fat! :)

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Very Cute! (Well I Think So) :)

Just wanted to share with everyone my favorite TV Ad. Some of you will think it is terrible. I know my sister thinks it’s a horrible AD but whenever I see it I get the giggles.

Kind Strangers

The first 12 months after Zak died I have to admit to showing strangers his photos. Probably a bad habit but I think a lot of it was because once someone hears your baby has died they are so quick to turn around and say ‘oh yes I know what you mean. I had a m/c as well’. Now I don’t want anyone to think I’m making light of a m/c but after having both a m/c and a baby die (neonatal death) I feel there is a small difference. I think I was desperate to let people know he was a living, breathing baby.
Anyway I have been good the last few months and have not pulled photos out to strangers at the shops. Yesterday Mum and I were shopping and went into a store where a Mother and daughter worked. We got talking and I was asked when I was due. After that conversation I was asked if this was my first. I said no and explained (nice and short) about Zak. Normally that’s the end of the conversation for most. No one really wants to talk about dead babies.
As soon as I gave my quick rundown the lady said ‘I don’t mean to upset you but do you mind if I ask what happened’. So I gave her the long version and she had a little cry. She asked if we had photos and I couldn’t help myself and got a single pic out of my wallet. She cried some more. Then I cried. Then Mum cried. As I was putting the photo away she noticed in my handbag I had a small photo album. She looked at me and said ‘ oh are those more photos of Zak?? Can I see them??’ I was so excited that someone was interested to see photos of him and not run from a dead baby conversation that I got them out without a second thought. Mum looked at me and said ‘ well you haven’t had these out for a stranger in a while’ lol
So the lady went through the photo album, she oohed and arred and told me how beautiful he was and how amazed she was at his size. Her daughter came over and looked and then she cried. I have not cried in public like that for so long but I was so proud and happy someone wanted to look at Zak’s photos. We were in their shop for over a hour. Even some shoppers took a secret look at the photos. It sounds really sad but it was kinda nice.