Such A Sad And Horrible Dream

I had the most horrible dream last night. It really upset me and even once I was awake I took a long time to shake that sad and horrible feeling.
In my dream I was sitting outside the NICU and there was a Mum there with a baby in a portable bed. Her baby had been taken off its ventilator and they were waiting for him ‘get his wings’. The problem was she had him in the bed and was just sitting there looking at him but refusing to hold him. I felt sick that this little baby was going to die in his bed when he should have been being cuddled by his Mum, anyone. I asked her if I could have a cuddle. She said that was fine but that she couldn’t bring herself to touch him. All I could think was how he needed to be loved and cuddled in his last few hours/minutes. He needed his Mum and I felt so sorry for him and for her. I kept telling her she wouldn’t be able to get this time back and that later on she will wish she had been the one cuddling him when he died.
It was so sad and it really rattled me. I know lots of women find it hard to get photos and spend time with their babies when they are dying. I know its a very personal choice and I know some just don’t cope and many are not thinking clearly. I was cuddling Zak when he died. He wasn’t alone and I know he knows he was loved. I know that when a Mum cant hold her dying baby it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him/her.  I know she cares and loves her baby as much as any other Mum.
It was just a really sad dream and I feel terrible to think there are Mums out there going through this every day.

2 Responses

  1. What a sad sad dream, and an even sadder reality. I hope that if I was ever in such a situation and couldn’t cuddle the baby that I would have someone there like you to step in.

  2. That is a very sad dream. I’m not surprised it took you a long time to shake it.
    Thinking of you.

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