Thoughts From The Poem

I guess the one thing I got from the poem below is ‘I’m not alone’.  There are many blogs like mine.  Some even more devastating so you know there are others out there like you but this poem made me think about the couples you pass at the shops.  You just have no idea what others have been through.  I’m sure when people talk to me they are shocked when they find out about Zak.  I’m not at home rocking in a corner.  I’m trying to live the best I can.’ Sure I have sad moments.  I have moments where I think I’m going to go mad.  I have moments where I still blame myself for what happened, feel guilty that Zak’s problems started ‘in me’, that I’m pregnant again.  Worried that if this pg goes ok that I will spend less time thinking about Zak but also worried that I will spend too much time thinking about him and that our new bub will grow up to resent ‘the brother she never knew’ but in general I ‘think’ I am kinda together.  No one passes me in the street and thinks ‘shit she has a sad story’.
This poem makes me think of all the people you pass and wonder if they have a sad story as well.
I also have this same kind of problem when I go to the hospital.  You know when you pass new parents walking around the hospital pushing the clear baby bed with their new born in it??  Well I just cant look at them without wondering.  Wondering if their baby is actually alive.
After Zak died S bathed him, we dressed him and popped him into a bed.  We then wheeled him to our room.  3 floors away!  We took him right through the waiting room.  Everyone who passed looked in at him and smiled, said he was beautiful.  They had no idea he was dead.  So now when I go to the hospital and see babies being wheeled around the hospital I seem to feel sad for all those couples.  I know they are all probably very happy and have a healthy new born, but what about the ones that don’t??  When everyone was looking at Zak I wanted to scream at them ‘cant you see I have been crying????  My eyes are so bloated, I’m in my Pj’s and I don’t look like a happy new mum’.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t have the energy.  So I can never look at bub’s at the hospital now without wondering.  Wondering if they are alive, or wondering if they are off to that ‘goodbye’ room.
So it seems I look at everything/one differently now to before Zak died.  Its really sad that a moment in time can rob you of the positive feelings and thoughts.  That at times of happiness you feel sorry for people when you probably should be congratulating them.


One Response

  1. Brenda,
    I’m so inexpressibly sorry for what you’ve gone through; no parent should suffer the loss of their child. I feel certain that Zak knew more love and devotion from his parents in his short life than some poor children know in an entire upbringing. It’s obvious that you loved him so very very much that his loss can never sit lightly upon you, irrespective of however much time goes past – but I’m sure you won’t go mad, honey. And your love for your new baby girl, when she comes, surely can’t alter or diminish the love you have for your son. I think you’re totally together, a beautiful person, and your little girl is going to tell you in a couple of years what Zak wasn’t here long enough to be able to tell you himself: that you’re a wonderful and super Mum!
    Ann xxx

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