The Guilt That Comes With Being Pg Again

I have been writing and deleting this post for a couple of weeks now.  I write it because its how I feel but I then delete it because I know it will upset some.  Even make them mad at me.  In the end though I really feel its something I need to post about so here goes ……..
Lately I have read SO many blogs written about how sad the writer is that they are not pregnant but everyone else in ‘blog world’ is.  I feel so deeply sorry for those who are struggling with this.  Its not fair.  Its not fair that many of us cant get pregnant and its really not fair that for those lucky enough to get pregnant can have their baby ripped away from them.
Standing on the other side though I have to say its HARD being pregnant when others are not.  The guilt felt is HUGE.  You battle so many emotions.  One minute your over the moon your pregnant, then your worried that it might all turn to shit again, you feel guilty that your pregnant and others who have lost more than you are not.  Its a true roller coaster of feelings that really do leave you exhausted and confused.
On one hand I tell myself that I am truly lucky to be pregnant again.  I want to post about my pregnancy, my fears, excitement and guilt but I’m lost for a place to truly do this.  Obviously I don’t want to upset anyone.  I have tried to post in a way that wont upset those still reading who are not pregnant.  I have purposely not added a pregnancy ticker, but at the end of the day I cant help that I am once again pregnant.
I know it hurts to see and hear about other pregnancies.  I have been there, but I would also hate to think I have ever made anyone feel guilty for being pregnant.  It is such a special and wonderful experience to go through.  No one should ever feel uncomfortable about their special gift.  A gift is exactly what it is.
I guess the hard thing is going through a loss with people, sharing sad stories and being there for each other only to find yourself feeling guilty that you are that extra step ahead of those you have shared so much with.  Being pregnant again doesn’t take away the pain of Zak dying.  It doesn’t make me care or feel less for those who are still grieving or in a desperate battle to get pregnant for the first time or after a loss.
It really doesn’t change anything except that now I seem to feel guilty more than anything.  I understand no one is setting out to make others feel bad.  We all post what we need to post.  Our feelings, hurts and so on.  I also understand just how angry, pissed at the world and depressed one gets when they are desperately wanting to have a baby and they seem to be the only one who is not pregnant.  I get it.  I truly do.  I just wanted to post how it feels to be the one who is pregnant again, and just how bad we feel about it.
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10 Responses

  1. I know what you mean. Seems utterly trivial to be moaning about lack of sleep and raging infant when I know I’m actually so so lucky. But we all get the serving God gives us.

  2. I think, if your blog is your place to vent, then you’ve just got to let it all out. You have well and truly been through enough, and I hear you on the guilt thing as well.

  3. I know what you mean. I’ve been posting since I lost Sophie and now that I am pregnant again I worry that the community I’ve come to love will reject me.. Of course none of them have, but I just worry I might hurt them. So I know how you feel.. it sucks

  4. The guilt overwhelms me sometimes.

  5. I understand. I struggle with different, but similar feelings over on my blog all the time. It’s hard to find the balance.

  6. B, I get this so much.

    You dont understand how much i get this. I am still trying to deal with it.

    If you ever get your ass onto msn i will chat more.

    Love L

  7. I can only imagine how you must feel about your pregnancy, and the guilt you feel in sharing with us on your blog. My husband and I are trying to get pregnant again and I often worry about how I will feel if we are given that gift.

    Just remember that most, if not all, of your readers are SUPER happy for you and look forward to reading about the exciting updates and pictures. 🙂

    Hugs!
    Jen

  8. I hardly ever comment but I always read. I am really sad that you feel guilty for being pregnant. I think every mother deserves to have a living baby. I wish I could use a magic wand and help all the infertile people become fertile and have the children they want.

    I don’t think I have very many readers because I have 3 living children that sometimes I do post about. Maybe it’s because I speak of all my raw emotions 3 years later? I don’t know but I still use my blog to get what I am feeling out.

    I hope one day you will do the same and post all your emotions because it truly does help.

  9. I do not think anyone would hold it against you for posting about your pregnancy. If it is too painful for them they would stop reading. Besides you are the only blogger I have read who is sensitive enough to password protect your pg posts so we can read your blog and only read the pg posts if we are up to it. Well done on that.

  10. hey, I soo get this. especially since i have been on both sides twice. this is a post that needed to be written. to be honest i don’t think it’s fair that you feel you have to password protect your pregnancy posts for others. Honestly just seeing ‘pregnancy post ahead’ is painful enough, but once I get through that, I feel alright. We are all grown ups here, and we all want to be pregnant, hell, most of us want ALL of us to be pregnant with a guaranteed safe healthy arrival, but that is not a possibility.
    I personally dont’ have the larget support network, so the next time i’m preggo you will all know, and i don’t beleive i will be censoring my blog at all. (i think it speaks highly of you and others like you, though 🙂
    does your pregnancy change my situation? no. does your misery? no. am I happy for you, shit, after all the heartache you have been through and after all the support you have offered me and others…you bet i am.
    honestly, no matter what side you are on, it sucks to be a member of this community. i wish there was not a community of hopeful mothers and bereaved mothers. i just think that as long as there are child abusers out there and drug addicts getting pregnant and having their babies we should too.

    much love too you for this post, glad you had the courage to put it out there. i hope i see photos of your newest addition real soon.

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