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Thinking Of You Both

In my slackness I seemed to have missed some VERY sad news.
I just want to send huge hugs to “No swimmers in the tubes, no bun in the oven”.  I am so very sorry that both your beautiful bub’s are not inside that little oven waiting to join you both.
Thinking of you both.

The last Of ‘The Firsts’ & Goodbye To A Shitty Week

Firstly I want to thank all of you for your very kind support, wishes and love for S, Zak and I over this very hard last week. I have to say that once Zak’s 1st birthday was over I felt a little relief and then exhaustion took over and all I wanted to do was sleep. That night I went to bed early and never moved an inch or woke until the next morning. I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

Anyway back to the details.

The day of Zak’s birthday (15 th May) we went to Mum and Dads, met up with all the family and then headed off to the lookout where we scattered his ashes.

Some friends of Mum and Dads has sent us a beautiful bunch of flowers with a blue teddy so we took the flowers down with us to throw in the water. (We will pop the teddy in Zak’s box of memories).

Zak’s 1st Birthday

We took some 1st birthday blue balloons with us. We gave each of my nieces a balloon each to give to Zak (or keep if they wanted – didn’t want any tears) and we let them all go. Miss 5 and Miss 3 were both very happy to part with their balloons and both yelled out ‘Happy Birthday’ to Zak as they let theirs go.

Zak’s 1st Birthday

Zak’s 1st Birthday

After that we went down to some picnic tables and got fish&chips and just had dinner together. It was really nice and we were there for ages. Where we let the balloons go was VERY windy but once we moved down to the picnic tables it was really nice. It wasn’t ‘sad’ or ‘morbid’ or anything like that. I was determined it wasn’t going to turn into a really depressing arvo/night. My head just wouldn’t cope with that.

The next day (S’s birthday) S, Frankie and I headed off for a few days. We went to a little town called Dunoon. Inland of Byron Bay. Just beautiful. But when I say ‘little’ I mean VERY little. It had a General Store, mechanic, Aust Post and a VERY small Club where you could get meals. There was also a church and S and I found it very amusing as it was ‘for sale’. We wondered what ‘GOD’ would do with his money and would he make a profit. 🙂

The house we stayed in was very old. Built in 1899. But it had been really looked after and the gardens were just beautiful.


Frankie had a wonderful time in the VERY red dirt. I think S had a nice birthday. He didn’t mention it much so other than saying ‘Happy birthday’ to him (I had given him his gifts a few days before) I just kept quiet about it. That’s what he wanted so that’s what we did. We did go out for dinner and it was nice to be in a place where no one knew you or what had happened. There was a fire place and it was nice and cold there so we had a nice time just relaxing and keeping warm.


We headed home yesterday. It was 1 year since Zak died. We called into the lookout again with more balloons. A little boy was there with his Mum and Nana watching us so we gave him a balloon, tied it around his wrist. I didn’t want him upset because we had balloons and he didn’t and we were just ‘throwing’ ours away.

We had a nice bunch of all different blue balloons. It was SO windy that when we let them go they headed off towards the trees and then over the huge hill that’s there.



Now I didn’t want Zak’s very special best friends not having any balloons so we let a pink balloon go for Chloe. It was windy and we did have trouble keeping the balloon still so I could take a pic for you Sharon.



And a pink one each for Houdini, Grover, Piper and a blue one for Laine.



I’m so glad the week is over.

I feel a little more at ease maybe? Calm? I don’t know. I feel a little less ‘something’.

Happy Birthday Zak – 15 May 2007

Happy Birthday beautiful boy.

Your 1st birthday.

We have missed out on so much. You cuddles, watching you crawl, your giggles, hearing your first words and many other very important things.

We wish you were in our arms every day. We smile and cry when we think about you.

I know you know just how much you are loved.


Big cuddles and kisses

Your Mummy and Daddy


*This is just for you – click here*

It’s Mothers Day – The First For Me

Mother’s Day is a very happy day for ‘most’.

It’s the day lots of women live for. Having that cute little person crawl into bed with you in the morning. Getting that home made card given to you. It’s suppose to be so special.

For many of us though its a horrid reminder that our little ones will not be crawling into bed with us. For others there will be little ones joining them in the morning but there will be the sad reminder that someone is missing.

And for those who have yet to jump to the ‘other side’ there are thoughts of ‘ will I ever get to have a Mother’s Day’.

Today is a sad day for many of us. The reminder of a baby that didn’t get to stay is horrible and devastating. Most will wish the day would just slip by without slapping us in the face.

BUT although your babies are not in your arms, they are in your hearts.

Although they are not crawling into your bed, that doesn’t mean you are any less a Mum. Today is my first Mother’s Day. I may not have Zak with me but I am a Mum and I’m lucky to be able to say that.

I want to wish all those Mum’s out there who are sharing their beds today with extra little people a wonderful Mother’s Day.

I want to wish those who have lost their beautiful bubs a happy Mother’s Day. I hope just the thought that you ARE a Mum can bring a little smile to your face.

And to those who are yet to be Mums, I want to say I understand how hard today is, but I’m sure one day you will be sharing Mother’s Day with a little person, with sticky fingers and dirty toes. A little person who will have made you a beautiful home made card and taking up far more room in your bed than they really need.






My Mothers Day

Just wanted to share with you all my morning.

Scott gave me a beautiful card that he had written in for Zak.

I also got the most wonderful gift.  Scott & Zak got me a Willow Tree figurine called ‘Angel Of Mine’.  Its a Mother holding a new born.  The name of it just fits perfectly for Zak and I.

Willow Tree ‘ Angel Of Mine’

Easter Should Be Full Of Chocolate Dribble This Year

Tomorrow would have been Zak’s first Easter.

I probably would have gotten him a little fluffy bunny suit to wear now that its

getting cold.

I have seen them at Target other years. They have a little fluffy tail.

I would have got him some bunny ears and taken loads of stupid photos that no

one but S and I (and maybe my parents) would have even cared to look at.

Even though he wouldn’t have been 1 yet I still would have got him some chocolate.

I would have waited for it to go soft and creamy and let him make a huge

mess with it.

I probably would have taken more photos of him with chocolate all over his face,

in his hair and running down his chin with all that lovely ‘teething’ dribble he

would have about now.

Zak wouldn’t have known it was his first Easter, but S and I would have.


They say the ‘firsts’ are the hardest.  The due date, first birthday, first anniversary of the day your baby died, first Christmas and so on.  Well whoever ‘ they’ are got it so right!We have just had our first Christmas after we lost our little man, and it was  HORRIBLE!  I have never felt so lost and ripped off in all my life. This Xmas was suppose to be so different to all the others.  Full of wonderful gifts for a chubby 6 month old.  Instead I just felt sad. We took some balloons to where we scattered Zak’s ashes and let them go.  The funny thing was that we had to get the balloons Xmas Eve as everything was shut Xmas day and by the time we let them go the helium in them was stuffed.  We let them go anyway and as they tried hard to go over the hill people who were walking up the hill kept bringing them back or us! Lol we let some of the balloons go 4 times.  🙂  If they only knew.  It did put a little smile on my face though.So now we just have a few ‘ firsts’ left.  We have Zak’s birthday and the anniversary of his death.  The first Mothers Day without him and then we should be just about ‘ firsts’ out.Tonight is New Years Eve and I can’t wait to kick 2006 out the door and start a nice new year tomorrow.2007 can only be better!!!!